11/29/10 3:55 PM I Jammed, with Tyler today he lives. In one of those living facilities Next to South County Mental Health Center. So he's has anger issues and probably some mental health issues, but he was rapping his Christian rap song and he said, hey talked afterwards and he said he lost his faith But I'm like, dude. I told him “man you have faith in you. In your music and stuff and don’t let anyone tell you different” I just sat out there with all the different people, I probably shouldn’t be there because.im not a visitor. I don't know anybody, but I told that to my sponsor and my mom. Not my doctor But hey, I wanted to talk to do the people who were in-patient but theres people are living next to the facility so so their not inpatient. So anyways. Iwhat happened is, I, I got on the train. I I I I had, 2, energy drinks and those set me off a previous time so said half previous time, so. And I missed my pills On the train. The next night I got into an argument with My mom we were just talking about Maria and Dad and the family and a conflict there you know which I find out theres no conflict. I was agreeing with everything that was going on (acceptance) My mom said she didnt care. She got negative a little bit. And I got really irritated. I escalated I starting saying “If you don't care I don’t care Fuck it I don’t care about anything”. And I started hitting my head in my hand and really getting so aggressive so much rage my mom's freaked out then she said “im worried” and that's when it happened. I called my sponsor, he's bipolar too and told me take 3 deep breaths go see your psychiatrist tomorrow and get some good sleep and you know So I did you know I'm. Also, you know so I figured out how to do the klonapin to help me out. taking some tea and or drink Water you know, and gatorade elextrolites, and lacrosse my friends coming down to west palm, possibly down here so Ill have another friend but i still wanna get a job and I wanna move back eventually to Virginia. And play music. So anyways one love peace out

11/29/10 4:46 PM Everything happens for reason I got offered a job, or opportunity for a job. At the train station Amtrak 711 the I've tried, the library, I even went to the Orchid Society, and I can volunteer the Orchid Society. I'm trying to think. One of the jobs. If you work at. But a lot of opportunities of opened up to me and just Really in instantly. Haven't thinking about it. But you know everything is coming to my life for a purpose and Yeah, when I speak Spiritually, sometimes 2 Too many times I was at escalating. But my friends and my family. They don't, get to my level. Kinda maybe I am. To grandiose of the deal. And too emotionally unstable but. spiritually I think that like and I I I was trying to be all the time, spiritually. And maintain that quality. But sometimes I may get cocksure or whatever about it. Not all humans are perfect, but all beings are perfect and I think, everything's alive You know, plants nature people, places things, inanimate objects. My car is alive or a table or desk. It's vibrates at a frequency so than that, is vibration not what life is. We are also light consciousness. I I I, I. I don't know. I just. I hope I can This is message translates. bye bye. Namiste.

11/29/10 7:04 PM if youve ever. had rage, intense rage If you ever felt happy and wanna cry at the same time. Or just happy or sad, or depressed, or confused .But making. Hasty decisions. Implusive very sensitive, or. Any of these things: fear or faith. Hate, Love. And then you can relate to me I'm experience. All these things within, the past couple of days. Sometimes they come. They are also thing is, rapid rapidness (right business) Okay, so the rapid emotions rapid thinking. If you have no inner calm, Serenity, then you can relate to me and I can tell you what I'm doing for that. Right now, I. Im washing the dishes You know what I do. I wash my dishes. One scrub at a time.

11/30/10 Today is tuesday the day after i took the 15mg zyprexa i still feel unstable but i do notice i am tired a little bit more even just a little bit but thats it

12/11/10 right now I feel depressed I had a good night but I just feel doom defeat disgust, iask myself am I. Ready to die @ first no I'm still attatched to life then I ask again and I say yes not out of love but hate. I don't need to look in the mirror id rather not right now I'm down I am underground. I'm not right, I don't need to write but this helps I can feel the pain another day when I look back. Right now is not right and I must not be in the moment if there is nopain in the now. I am sick. I am not happy. I am sad.

12/12/10 im looking forward for today, not only is this a day for medtation but NYA (Nami Young Adults) group is meeting up a kavasutra a kava bar with hookah. It should be fun. Im still not feeling well on the inside. FIN.