Shout out to Shaneen!

I'm co-morbid, dually diagnosed. I am an blackout alcoholic and I am diagnosed w/ Manic Depression a.k.a. Bipolar I Disorder.

Definition: Bipolar Disorder is a serious mental health problem involving extreme swings of mood (highs and lows). Both men and women of any age from adolescence onwards and from any social or ethnic background can develop Bipolar Disorder.
What my Doctor says: "it's like having both legs cut off in that everyone knows but no one wants to acknowledge it. There's nothing you can do to change it."

Here's my Story:

Both of my grandparents, my Mother's father and my Father's mother, committed suicide. I remember my first drink, me and my friends were having a party at my house and my older sister and brother were home. I begged my sis to pick up these girls and she said only if I drink this/these cups. So i chugged them down and I felt so loose and free. In high school I would start black out drinking... I call it "time traveling". One time after drinking everclear at a party I drove drunk, broke into a nearby house (all while blacked out) and got caught by the police. Everyone knew and so then most of my friends stopped hanging around me. I almost died of alcohol poisioning at college when I drank out of the handle, blacked out, and was hospitalized.

I wasn't a compulsive drinker, I was a binge drinker. But it separated me from the things that meant most to me, my family and friends. Growing up, my Mom said I always had something good to say about people. I started taking interest in my friend's mom's gospel music and I took a liking to positive spiritual songs. (Speech - Spiritual People) Subconsciously, I was looking for a way out. Now since recovering, I am learning each day to open up my heart, let god in, and love. Your troubles are my troubles. One Love.

I am energetic, poetic, and athletic. An eccentric rock music lover, I am a pure at heart suburban white 20 year old male, embracing optimism one leg at a time.

This is the story of how I came to be diagnosed with manic depression.

Ep. #1 This is the story of how I came to be diagnosed with manic depression.

March/April 2007: After countless blackouts, a secret party life, and my mom's visits to Alanon, I had an out-of-body experience in which I saw myself from behind. I noticed after drinking I wanted more and more, though I didn't know why. I had been away at school in Richmond, Va. I became more and more irritated by drinking alcohol. I couldn't seem to focus on much of anything anymore. Then one night at school my friend asked me to drink with him. I told him no, but eventually I gave in. After drinking on the roof for a while, a few friends had said they reached their limit. I continued to drink and ended up hitting myself in the head w/ a guitar causing my eyebrow to bleed. I was singing off onto the street vulgar songs to girls who passed by. Throwing rocks or change at people walking by who happened to be my neighbor. Then after feeling like I was sobering up, I realized I had a major problem because I couldn't stop myself from drinking. I knew I had to go to get help as soon as possible. (This wasn't the first time I tried to stop.)

The next day I walked past my roommate w/o acknowledging him to go to A.A. My friend told me on the phone "you don't need to go to A.A." But he didn't understand, I wanted to go. I was sick of the incessant drinking at my school every single night. I don't remember my first A.A. meeting, the one I was sent to for trespassing in high school, but this meeting I will never forget. The only one that night, happened to be a 40s and up gay mens meeting. I sat in a circle listening to everyone and balled my eyes out because these men had been through so much. An African American handicapped man who had trouble speaking was telling me how his father abandoned him because he was gay. With so much ridicule and trouble this man must have faced in his life, I felt so awful for not being able to control my drinking. Stopping drinking seemed like a dismal task. I had reached the bottom in my life. The next few days thoughts were colliding in my mind. Too many.

Around April 2007 I started listening to that voice inside your head. The one telling you "Man, i'm really bored today." Then I started recalling voices of my family. My sister telling me "You don't want to grow up and be a loser doing drugs." and My mom telling me "I love you" and "Don't forget to brush your teeth". Then I heard my brother cussing and other negative comments. I soon couldn't decipher the bad ones from the good ones. Voices.

I started drinking and smoking pot at my friends house playing music. One time i remember being on a manic high for about a week. I only needed an hour or two of sleep every couple of days... and i was always playing music. I would fall asleep with the guitar by my side. Then I started to bring the house down. I felt like a radiating speaker box playing music echoing through the walls. From day to day I would sit in the house listening to everything and everyone and then play music to it. I mainly remember sitting in the basement playing my heart out on my guitar and thinking I was the one and only Rock Star. Grandiosity.

While i was still home in Virginia i went to the dmv to re-new my license. Had i of known it would have taken me 3 unsuccessful trys, I wouldn't have gone in the first place. At the time, this was my only responsibility. Entering the dmv each time I thought I could hear what everyone was thinking at the same time. I also felt like everyone woman/girl was attracted to me. Hypersexuality

Summer came and i was preparing to visit my mom in Florida. Around this time the voices started getting out of hand.

I thought that i could hear birds calling me "gay." Auditory Hallucinations

While I was in the terminal I try to sit and read or listen to music but I saw the birds out on the runway and they were teasing me. I tried to get a drink and then I thought everyone was calling me gay. I looked up on the web about "coming out" the night before and what was normal to do... So i did it... I finally couldn't take it anymore. I went to the middle of the terminal and Yelled out "I'm Gay!" I then went back to my seat and no one seemed to notice.

The flight was a borderline crazy. There were gay guys sitting a few rows back and everyone was telling me "you're gay, go talk to them". But i knew i wasn't so as i got up to go to the bathroom I said hi to some girls. As i was in the bathroom the voices told me "You can't fool us, we know you're gay... just admit it." On the way back to my seat I said hi to the gay guys sitting together, they said hi back. As i sat back in my seat I couldn't stand all the commotion so as i listened to a Modest Mouse song "this plane is definitely crashing!!" I felt perfectly content if the plane were to crash at that moment. I actually wanted the plane to crash for the fun of it.

I got to my mom house and I sat down and started to cry. There were birds right outside... I broke down and told her about the voices... I told her I thought Andy her husband was talking behind my back and laughing at me. The next day I made her take me to the hospital.

I remember sitting in the general hospital with my mom and only a couple other people. I sat by her side leaning back and trying to make the time go by with as little sound as possible. Then more people started walking in, before i knew it there were about 10 or 15 people in the waiting room and i became impatient. We went to a hospital bed in an empty room. They started asking me questions. "have you ever thought about committing suicide" I explained about the plane ride over...

At that point they held me against my will. Which i didn't know... Finally the doctor/nurse came to see us and then I was escorted in my new gown to the van.

They drove me in a van over to another building... the mental ward. I was in a small waiting room, asked to put on a gown and sat next to an older man (my future ward-mate) who looked like Eric Clapton. As we ate a cafeteria dinner meal he told me he had been in and out of these facilities over 10 or 15 times...

I walked into a lounge room where everyone was watching a big screen tv and i thought i'd only be visiting for a short while. I sat down and talked to a very nice lady who introduced me to everyone.

I remember the first night sitting in the lounge and the nurses were telling this old man that he better
get to bed or else they would take him there, by force. Then I saw two of them dragged the angry girl back to the ladies bedrooms. They asked me if I was going to go to bed, and I hesitated and only at the last second went back to my new room for the next week. Now I knew this was serious.

Whatever the doctor had asked me... if I wanted this pill or this injection to help, I for some reason took the injection. Little did I know that a few minutes later I would be walking to my room and feel a complete lack of bodily function. My body was shutting down as if I had no food or energy and I hurried backto the lounge room, scared to death. Everyone was watching tv. I stumbled around asking for forgiveness, as if they'd let me go. I kept saying I was "sorry", but no one did a thing. I went back to my room and collapsed right before i reached my bed. I was scared for my life.

My mom came to visit. We took a room with someone in charge and they said something about me signing something to let my mom have papers or something for me, which i promptly declined. This was the only way she could know any information about me while i stayed there, but I had no clue. She was crying her eyes out and I sat contently not knowing what was happening. Then she left.

The days went by slowly. I looked forward to going outside for 15 minutes about twice a day in an open patio surrounded by 4 walls, inside the hospital ward. We painted, had A.A. meetings. The angry girl had been locked up in the padded room and I felt sorry because she must have had major violent issues as a youth.

...since then...

...Since then

I have been to 6 or 7 Bipolar Weekly group meetings where I got started with the basic information of tracking and keeping my mind and body healthy. I have taken NAMI Peer-to-Peer course and learned about my illness. I have had about 10 cumulative months of sobriety, relapsed and now I am almost to 9 months again. Finally I have helped provide positive support and information to others, friends with depression and psychotic breaks.

I still struggle deeply with Bipolar disorder. Just yesterday I was in a full blown MIXED Episode! The feelings were so powerful and real I couldn't do anything to stop them. Luckily I was at my doctors and he prescribed me some new meds that helped...

I share my story with others in hope of helping another. ...Even though I had two suicidal grandparents, by the grace of god and all his/her glory I am still alive today. Not only that, but I have two sober parents in my life. How cool is that?!

LIFE's short so Love the One's you got.

one love,
pd 69 dc