Its as almost as if I've been putting this off for a while and I just want to be honest. I am grateful. Thank you.

I am indifferent. "I never acted cool, it was impractical" - eminem. Everybody wants to rule the world. Or at least their world. Thy will be done, not mine. I havn't been to a meeting in a while so thats while I dont feel so healthy. However work will get that off my mind. I might head out early today to get some acne relief pads. I am sick to hear that the owner of megaupload got 50 years in prison. I dont even know if thats true or not but MEDIA should be FREE to the FREE. Is that freedom or what. I'm not going to even say anything about how there is a War on Drugs and a War on Terror. Occupy the streets is more like Occupy your minds. "Go to hell if what your thinking isnt right, the Love would never leave us alone, the darkness must come out to light." - Bob Marley. I pray as marley did that everyone in the world live in harmony. Could you be loved?

I am on my second stint of recovery. I almost had 3 years and then I lost track of the fellowship started marijuana maintenance. I feel like i needed this kick in the rear. I was going to start my steps over eventually i knew it i was just getting stagnant. I realize now i am an addict as well as an alcoholic. My blues name is sleepy dog blue. Whatever that means.

I am so content with my life right now. I have all of my needs and some of my wants. Thats the way it should be. The way is inside. Not outside. I feel a weight on me, but its just a matter of time until its lifted because emotions do not tell us who we are. Just as thoughts don't matter. Just as space and time are illusions. I am not Peter d, 24, of fairfax va, who works at marlin and rays. I am spirit. I am a spec of consciousness out of the collective consciousness. Life is but a dream and my dream has come true over and over again, always Now. It is the isness and suchness and I am grateful to be alive.

I have so much love and a love that i want to spread as a deejay I pray today for a bright holiday.

It snowed today!

So tonight my roomate is keeping me awake playing Stained - Its been awhile "since i fucked things over" because I killed the electricity for the second time in the whole house. Everyone else works and i dont so they had to set their alarm clocks.

There is a lot I have to touch on. Ed the bass player doesnt want to be in the band, he wants to focus on his carrier. I am looking for jobs, 1 application a day. I might start bumping them up as time goes by. I am living in an Oxford House, after my plans to move in with a friend went down the drains. Then my dad (miss communication) passively told me he didnt want me living at his house. I was staying there less than a week, so i left went outside called my mom pissed off. I woke her up and started going off about my dad and she was half asleep and crying; told me what to say, so I go to see my dad and tell him "i'll have my bags packed and be out of here by tommorow and im going to sleep." All my dad could say was "that was fast." So I went to my room and had the first thought about drinking alcohol in 3 years. I left and started making phone calls, when my friend mentioned that I had the obsession to drink I told, "hmm drink, that doesnt sound like a bad idea i have a car and gas and tons of money" I also said "I feel so fucked up on the inside that I would like to jump in front of a car just so my physical body is align with my emotional pain" and then after talking to my sponsor, I prayed the serenity, lords prayer and a prayer to stay sober and for all my family and the whole time im crying my eyes out. My nose was filled with SNOT (i also cried to foo fighters - times like these a couple days before because of the lyrics "its times like these we learn to LIVE AGAIN, times like these we GIVE AND GIVE AGAIN, its times like these we learn to LOVE AGAIN, its times like these TIME AND TIME AGAIN.) Afterwards I talked to another alcoholic who had me breathe several times until I felt a little better. then told me to pray to get to sleep.

After this I started having trouble trying to sleep but I got intouch with my doctor from florida and he bumped up my meds and i have been perfect since then. Still a little moody and not always having the "right thought" but with my sponsor I am attending meetings regularly and he said I was already working the first 3 steps; (i picked up my 2 month chip) He said just that I should wait another 30 days until we go over my fourth step, but that I could work on the first column if i wanted to.

I relapsed about a month or so ago, and my sobriety date is Nov 7. now. Although I never officially got my 3 year chip, I still have never touched a drop of alcohol. I was what we alcoholics like to call "Marijuana Maintenance" I had never heard marijuana talked about in an aa meeting in the 3 years I had been going until I went to pick up a white chip. I do understand it is using (mainly because its illegal?)

I hadnt had a thought of a drink until 2 weeks ago when my dad was asking when I'd (in my own words) get my shit together, get a job, and move out. What i found out is that this was a miscommunication because he thought that my mom and gandi were dropping me off because they couldnt deal with me. Nonetheless I moved from familys house to familys house and now ended up @ an oxford house.

Lately i have been complacent on finding a job. It just feels as if my whole body and mind weigh 10 pounds heavier whenever the thought of filling a job app comes up.

I miss my dog bob marley, aka robert downey jr, lobster bob. I taught him how to play soccer among other things and i feel sad writing about it now. He is my best friend. Always there for me.
So much fun. I learned to paddle surf with him while chasing coconuts. The list goes on. and so does my love for him.

When my dad said he wanted me out of the house, I left and called my mom hysterical, she woke up crying because i was saying "im gonna punch him in the face." She told me to tell him "ill have my thigns packed in the morning and leave that next morning." He looked around shocked and said to me "that was quick" This is when i went to my room, i had the first thought about a drink in 3 years. The next thing I did was what I was conditioned to do through A.A. I called several friends and they helped me through the situation. At first i was telling them i wanted to drink. Then I was telling them i wanted to jump in front of a car because that would make my physical pain match my emotional pain. I was told to pray (cried through the whole prayer) Then I was told to breath, which helped, then pray to god that i get some sleep.

I went to an alanon meeting one night, shared about how my mom first started going to alanon "for me." long before she had been going for my step-father andy. well then i guess i fast fowarded to the future because I said, how grateful i am for being able to live with both my step-father and my mom who are "recovered alcoholics." Personally I like to think you're never fully recovered. However I said they had 4 or 5 years and I was coming up with 3 years, andHow i am grateful for eveything, and that I pray on a constant basis. And that it came around now My sobriety keeps my parents sober and theirs- mine. I also mentioned I prayed all the time everywhere, in my room, with my parents, friends at work, driving. Anywase the point of the story is that I went to the subway next door, and this woman bought me 3 chocolate chip cookies and said how she "loved my share on being grateful" and that "i think gratetidude is very powerfull, and that everymornining I say a gratitdude for 5 people. you should try it." WHY NOT??!

So IvE bEeN GoINg ouT To ThE cLuB WiTh mY FriEnds- some guys I JUST met. For instance- I was playing the kavasutra guitar out front on the benches (i made 2 bucks) and theywere like sing a song to those girls walking by and, I freestyled one. Then the night before we were hitting on girls and they called me "pistol pete" unfortunately I shaved my head all the way with a 1 razor so I look like a skin head, but this one girl said she was "fat" outloud and i could hear it as i was walking away. I did an about-face turn and say did you just call yourself phat? and they were like what? i asked again. "yeah" she said, I quickly replied, "pretty hot and tempting?" hell yes. i gave her friend who was a larger black woman a high five, we sat down and talked. All my friends were like wtf did you say? haha then The last night, we all went out and couldnt bag one "whore." Anyywase it was fun cuz by the end of the night my friends had me cracking up at the pizza place, this guy sings and was on his knees to people in this small pizza shack at the top of his lungs some journey or some shit. LOL.

This is nice, I am listening to Essex Green - Our Lad in Havana. I feel good. have been working at Gulfstream Goodwill Industries for coming up 6 months now. I will leave 6 months later to travel home to Virginia. Those are my plans at least. iN aDitIONoN i am AlSo MeNTorIng AT Nami. @ Gulfstream I work with Developmentally Disabled Adults. Look it up if you have to. I have some of the best times working there. The staff is friendly and so are the participants. They crack me up sometime too. Its a lot of fun. I get to work with the personal trainer for half-the-day and its awesome.

I've been going out 'socializing'. At A.A. and Downtown West Palm Beach. The day after my doctor told me I need to go out and socialize more, I went to an AA meeting and met these people that introduced themselves and the next night we went out to FUN DEPOT. FUN DEPOT = batting cages, air hockey, skeeball, go-karts, laser-tag. In that order. I met a really attractive girl there. We were flirting but i didnt remember her name or get her #, so ive been going back to that same club to try and find her. I met a girl on Clematis St. one weekend after watching her dance and overhear her talking about playing guitar to a song the band was playing. I passed her when I was planning on leaving but then I made a quick u-turn asked her about it, stroked up a convo, invited me to a nudist resort, got her #, found out we live near eachother. So the next night we bike up meet up at the south bridge. We ride and talk then get to my house shes asking about all my family we go upstairs shes like "we gotta get nude." I was like, "okay" Then we chilled a litle, a-lex litle. Now we are back in the room and rubbing eachoher in a major way. We fall back on the bed making out and fondling one another, then she said "condom." In my head I said "F5ck" end of story we walked 3 blocks just to get the condoms, when we get home shes tired and nothing happens. Then she calls me next week when we planned to chill again. She excommunicates me. But She was bieng "positive" about it. WTF IS positive about Denying friendship. UGHHH. It kills me. She was also going to hook me up with the band that played that night. Now... I dont know. FCK GD DMIT. Okay I'm alright.

3 months until i get my 3 year chip in A.A.

Tommorow I go to my first Group therapy session at the Family Behavioral Center. I am killer about that bcz it will give me structure. In other news I am in the process of getting a job. I have an opportunity forsure in February through a close friend. The job entails mentoring those with dual diagnosis taking them to aa meetings talking to them about illnesses, and driving them to their appointments and so forth.

Well im gonna continue to blog, cuz... thats what i do. Also i noticed 7 people visited today. Anyway I'm feeling good (which is a major change and im stoked) and I am calmed down. I am upping my dosage of lithium to combat racing thoughts. I am slowing down my racing thoughts... i went on a walk/talk with a friend last night and that helped.

Generally, racing thoughts are described by an individual who has had an episode as an event where the mind uncontrollably brings up random thoughts and memories and switches between them very quickly. Sometimes they are related, as one thought leads to another; other times they are completely random. A person suffering from an episode of racing thoughts has no control over his or her train of thought and it stops them from focusing on one topic or prevents sleeping.

i just disobayed my doctors orders. I asked him is it okay to drink kava? He said you should avoid it until your racing thoughts/rapid speech dissapear. But i couldnt take it tonight i just had to have one. As far as i've read (http://dodgedepression.blogspot.com/2009/12/bipolar-affective-disorder-is-more-than.html) it works for bipolar being place at number 3 as a natural remedy. Proceeded by medicine of coarse like Mood stabalizers and Anti-psychotics. Also ive smoked half as many ciggarrettes as I did when I was really episodal. I used tosmoke a couple packs a week, but im back to bumming cigs when i feel i need to and so i smoke 1 or 2 a day if that. Some days no smoke at all.

LYRICS

but when nirvana sings lithium it does like a suicidal hidden message
the second verse: "I'm so lonely, that's OK
I shaved my head and I'm not sad
And just maybe I'm to blame
For all I've heard but I'm not sure
I'm so excited (i'm suicidal), I can't wait to meet you there "

also the first line about "I'm so happy 'cause today
I've found my friends, they're in my head " i like

i like the atcq song "hey sucka nigga" because it talks about how the n word "See, nigga first was used back in the Deep South
Fallin out between the dome of the white man's mouth
It means that we will never grow, you know the word dummy (nigger)
Other niggas in the community think it's crummy
But I don't, neither does the youth cause we
em-brace adversity it goes right with the race
And being that we use it as a term of endearment"

i like this song by foo fighters - my poor brain because it talks about black outs "Real life is so hard
We hide in the stars
That's where our heads are
My head and your heart
This is a black out
Don't let it go to waste
This is a black out
I want to detonate"

then it goes into (and this is a translation from kid A) "sometimes I feel I'm getting stuck, between the handshake and the fuck" i think is the line that says what the whole song is about. i think it's about thinking too much about whether a particular relationship will work and not just trusting your heart. oh how much this is about my life!

Anxiety Reactions and Techniques to Stop Racing Thoughts

http://ezinearticles.com/?Anxiety-Reactions-and-Techniques-to-Stop-Racing-Thoughts&id=614404

What happens to you when you feel anxious? You may find that you are having heart palpitations, sweaty palms, feel flushed, or are suffering from racing thoughts. You may even think that you are having a heart attack if the anxiety is overwhelming. Many people in my practice ask me how to stop that seemingly un-ending road of fear and panic. It seems as though once you start on that road, it is difficult to pull off it.

This is quite understandable if you understand the biology of anxiety. Anxiety served as a protective purpose for us during the times of the saber-toothed tiger. These animals lived roughly about 33.7 million to 9,000 years ago and were quite deadly to humans. Humans developed an anxiety reaction to these animals to protect them from being eaten. This is known as the fight or flight syndrome and it is a primitive reaction that we have developed to protect us. However, we are no longer in danger of the saber-toothed tiger, but our well developed anxiety reactions are still present. They serve a useful purpose in times of real imminent danger. But many people find that they are suffering from anxiety that is not related to real imminent harm.

Now you ask, "How do we stop those racing thoughts and adrenaline-like feelings so that we can stop worrying and be more productive?" Well one of the tools you can use is called the thought-stopping technique. It is quite simple and many people laugh when they first hear it, but it really does work.

Imagine a stop sign. It is red and white and has eight sides. In the middle of that octagonal shaped sign is the word "STOP". Now imagine that word "STOP" being said out loud to you by either you or someone else, or printed on a piece of paper right in front of you. Usually you will stop what you are doing or thinking even for a second and wonder, "What do I have to stop for?", "What is going on?" Then you may go back to your racing thoughts or actions you were performing just before you heard or saw the word "STOP".

The key here is that you just shut down that cyclical pattern of thoughts even for a second as you pondered the word "STOP". As you go back to whatever you were doing just before imagining the word "STOP", you are still training yourself to be more in control. What we know about anxiety is that the premise is one of fear. Fear is about feeling out of control of what will happen to us. However, once you employ the thought stopping technique, you were in control of stopping your racing thoughts, even for a second.

The thought stopping technique is as easy as what I described above. It is a way to interrupt your racing thought patterns. Now if you find yourself going back to your intruding thoughts, imagine the word "STOP" again. Imagine a stop sign or repeat the word out loud over and over. Again, you may find yourself going back to your racing thoughts, but this time you shut that process down for a few seconds. Every time you do this, you are re-training your brain to interrupt the seemingly un-ending cycle of racing thoughts that are creating a lot of your anxiety symptoms.

Thought stopping techniques are very useful tools to help you when you feel that your thoughts are out of control. If you are still struggling with anxiety to the point that you are not being productive in your life, you should have a full psychological and medical evaluation to see if there is another reason for your anxiety. Some people need medications and others need on-going psychotherapy or both.

What ever it is that you choose to do, you need to take back the control in your life and understand that there are some processes that you do have control over. Thought stopping techniques will help you begin to put yourself back on that road of control.

Thursday I went out with Samantha from the NYA group. I had so much fun it had to have been one of the best days of my life. We met her friend there who's bf was playing a set acoustically... we got to talking i eventually backed him up on another acoustic!! this was my 3rd Live appearance on guitar live!!! We as checkout out an art show with a girl being body painting,

ate dinner on a long boardwalk out on the intercoastal and finished the night dancing to some dubstep at a club. Great night!

Christmas Eve: My mom now has some depression and it collided with mine like a 2 car pile up. Its like putting gasoline on a fire. or everclear into my bloodstream. Its been about 2-3 weeks since I've felt off my rocker but right now i feel pretty good venting. Xmas was good. Although i didnt stay for Charades and my mom really wanted me to because im her only blood relative. But i couldnt do it. My body repulsed the feeling of puttnig myself in that situation. She also said she didnt want to do it/go she said she had to put on a facade to make everyone think everything was just fine. I didnt understand that, if your family is supportive they'll understand you, if they dont... their loss, their ignorance. But one day another sick person will come into their life or they'll get sick themselves.

I dont know if i have mentioned but i started networking. Not only at AA meetings but on facebook. I have news feeds for specific groups of people. Eg. Positive, Spiritual Chat, Spiritual Group, Interesting, AA, etc.... It really helps me stay in contact with close friends that have similar interests.

Feelings: everything seems irritating. without warning, I crash land. I feel so bad that everything seems sad, dark, and heavy. Nothing feels good, and you're certain that you're stuck in this black hole forever. you are screaming at the top of your voice (in the car), feeling extremely out of control, extremely irritable and you want to smash everything around you.

Full-blown mania is from hell. In fact I think it is worse on those around me. I call this kind of mania the "bad mania." Far from being fun, it is absolutely miserable and when I have been full blown manic I have scared many people as I can be way out of control. (i remember going manic at a friends house in college in his apartment, i was Beatboxing making funny voices and my frienrd was high. When he saw that i wouldnt stop, he kicked me out.)

http://dinoandbuddha.livejournal.com/49106.html "Oddly enough, no emotional or stressful breakdowns thus far. I feel I'm living and dancing right on the edge but I could fall at any time." This is exactly how i feel at the moment. And a good song to represent this is Aerosmith - Living on the edge." Taking it easy. Very easy. Trying to have fun and keep the PMA at all times." PMA!!!!! " I GOTTA KEEP MY PMA" - Bad Brains

My eyes are kind of messed. I usually see blury but if i focus my eyes well enough i can see half way decent. I wish i could just see clearly effortlessly.

LINKS 2 check out: (spiritual)

http://lazaris.com/newvisitor.cfm

I'll end this post with an Irish blessing

May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
and the rains fall soft upon your fields,
and until we meet again,
may God hold you in the palm of his hand.

(and below a motivational speaker)

http://theetstory.org/home

Little things help when your depressed like talking to people. When I went out to this nya activitie group i was listening to biggie smalls ready to die. And as we got to the spot me and friend sang the lyrics "i dont want to live no more, sometimes i hear death knocking at the front door, i live every day like a hustle, another drug to juggle, another day another struggle." And if i were to sing that alone i would just feel depressed, but when we both sang it i felt a glimpse of happiness i was happy for a moment.

Nya at the kavasutra turned out to be kava bar no hookah, but i asked to play on this guys guitar and together sang What I Got by sublime. And it was in front of all my support friends and they were stalefaced but one of my friends came up afterward and said man your crazy! i was like thanks!

since we were a little dissapointed about the kavasutra (i wish it was kamasutra) we went to aya's house. It was right near by and awesome. Beautiful house and she had a guitar. One guy wasnt feeling too well isolating in her room while we were downstairs in the living room playing guitar drums and bored-games. Anywase i went to go talk to him
and he just said he had been depressed for 5 months and felt like he was just going down
then another friend walked in and shared his experience simple things like "it gets better" and he finally came downstairs where i played a request for him sweet child of mine guitar solo included and he was thrilled to hear it

then we went out through the backyard to the golf course where we walked to the middle then i put on a dance song where i heard aya dance to on dance-dance-revolution. "It aint nothing like hip hop music" so i put that song on and started trying to break dance. i fell on my ass and people laughed but then one person did a flip off his back and then a front flip so the guy who was feeling down, now laughing, tryed the front flip but EPIC FAIL. landed on his knees. he
laughed it off and left feeling on a great note.

today my meds really kicked into high gear i woke up for a doctors appointment at a normal time but i could barley keep my eyes open. I fell asleep in the waiting room and then when they called me i jumped up like it was nothing

i felt pretty subdued the whole day until i finally agreed to go out with my friend. When he came i was waiting out in the street for him and i did a jive dance and it made me laugh so i felt better.

then we went to a friends house played pool (i won 1 game) and then got my guitar and had a fire pit where i played some bob marley and indian classical music.

11/29/10 3:55 PM I Jammed, with Tyler today he lives. In one of those living facilities Next to South County Mental Health Center. So he's has anger issues and probably some mental health issues, but he was rapping his Christian rap song and he said, hey talked afterwards and he said he lost his faith But I'm like, dude. I told him “man you have faith in you. In your music and stuff and don’t let anyone tell you different” I just sat out there with all the different people, I probably shouldn’t be there because.im not a visitor. I don't know anybody, but I told that to my sponsor and my mom. Not my doctor But hey, I wanted to talk to do the people who were in-patient but theres people are living next to the facility so so their not inpatient. So anyways. Iwhat happened is, I, I got on the train. I I I I had, 2, energy drinks and those set me off a previous time so said half previous time, so. And I missed my pills On the train. The next night I got into an argument with My mom we were just talking about Maria and Dad and the family and a conflict there you know which I find out theres no conflict. I was agreeing with everything that was going on (acceptance) My mom said she didnt care. She got negative a little bit. And I got really irritated. I escalated I starting saying “If you don't care I don’t care Fuck it I don’t care about anything”. And I started hitting my head in my hand and really getting so aggressive so much rage my mom's freaked out then she said “im worried” and that's when it happened. I called my sponsor, he's bipolar too and told me take 3 deep breaths go see your psychiatrist tomorrow and get some good sleep and you know So I did you know I'm. Also, you know so I figured out how to do the klonapin to help me out. taking some tea and or drink Water you know, and gatorade elextrolites, and lacrosse my friends coming down to west palm, possibly down here so Ill have another friend but i still wanna get a job and I wanna move back eventually to Virginia. And play music. So anyways one love peace out

11/29/10 4:46 PM Everything happens for reason I got offered a job, or opportunity for a job. At the train station Amtrak 711 the I've tried, the library, I even went to the Orchid Society, and I can volunteer the Orchid Society. I'm trying to think. One of the jobs. If you work at. But a lot of opportunities of opened up to me and just Really in instantly. Haven't thinking about it. But you know everything is coming to my life for a purpose and Yeah, when I speak Spiritually, sometimes 2 Too many times I was at escalating. But my friends and my family. They don't, get to my level. Kinda maybe I am. To grandiose of the deal. And too emotionally unstable but. spiritually I think that like and I I I was trying to be all the time, spiritually. And maintain that quality. But sometimes I may get cocksure or whatever about it. Not all humans are perfect, but all beings are perfect and I think, everything's alive You know, plants nature people, places things, inanimate objects. My car is alive or a table or desk. It's vibrates at a frequency so than that, is vibration not what life is. We are also light consciousness. I I I, I. I don't know. I just. I hope I can This is message translates. bye bye. Namiste.

11/29/10 7:04 PM if youve ever. had rage, intense rage If you ever felt happy and wanna cry at the same time. Or just happy or sad, or depressed, or confused .But making. Hasty decisions. Implusive very sensitive, or. Any of these things: fear or faith. Hate, Love. And then you can relate to me I'm experience. All these things within, the past couple of days. Sometimes they come. They are also thing is, rapid rapidness (right business) Okay, so the rapid emotions rapid thinking. If you have no inner calm, Serenity, then you can relate to me and I can tell you what I'm doing for that. Right now, I. Im washing the dishes You know what I do. I wash my dishes. One scrub at a time.

11/30/10 Today is tuesday the day after i took the 15mg zyprexa i still feel unstable but i do notice i am tired a little bit more even just a little bit but thats it

12/11/10 right now I feel depressed I had a good night but I just feel doom defeat disgust, iask myself am I. Ready to die @ first no I'm still attatched to life then I ask again and I say yes not out of love but hate. I don't need to look in the mirror id rather not right now I'm down I am underground. I'm not right, I don't need to write but this helps I can feel the pain another day when I look back. Right now is not right and I must not be in the moment if there is nopain in the now. I am sick. I am not happy. I am sad.

12/12/10 im looking forward for today, not only is this a day for medtation but NYA (Nami Young Adults) group is meeting up a kavasutra a kava bar with hookah. It should be fun. Im still not feeling well on the inside. FIN.