Positve Pd, Bipolar recovering alcoholic

2012-01-26T13:06:00.000-08:00

Its as almost as if I've been putting this off for a while and I just want to be honest. I am grateful. Thank you.

I am indifferent. "I never acted cool, it was impractical" - eminem. Everybody wants to rule the world. Or at least their world. Thy will be done, not mine. I havn't been to a meeting in a while so thats while I dont feel so healthy. However work will get that off my mind. I might head out early today to get some acne relief pads. I am sick to hear that the owner of megaupload got 50 years in prison. I dont even know if thats true or not but MEDIA should be FREE to the FREE. Is that freedom or what. I'm not going to even say anything about how there is a War on Drugs and a War on Terror. Occupy the streets is more like Occupy your minds. "Go to hell if what your thinking isnt right, God would never leave us alone, the darkness must come out to light." - Bob Marley. I pray as marley did that everyone in the world live in harmony. Could you be loved?

I am on my second stint of recovery. I almost had 3 years and then I lost track of the fellowship started marijuana maintenance. I feel like i needed this kick in the rear. I was going to start my steps over eventually i knew it i was just getting stagnant. I realize now i am an addict as well as an alcoholic. My blues name is sleepy dog blue. Whatever that means.

I am so content with my life right now. I have all of my needs and some of my wants. Thats the way it should be. The way is inside. Not outside. I feel a weight on me, but its just a matter of time until its lifted because emotions do not tell us who we are. Just as thoughts don't matter. Just as space and time are illusions. I am not Peter d, 24, of fairfax va, who works at marlin and rays. I am spirit. I am a spec of consciousness out of the collective consciousness. Life is but a dream and my dream has come true over and over again, always Now. It is the isness and suchness and I am grateful to be alive.

I have so much love and a love that i want to spread as a deejay I pray today for a bright holiday.

2012-01-09T20:53:00.001-08:00

It snowed today!

So tonight my roomate is keeping me awake playing Stained - Its been awhile "since i fucked things over" because I killed the electricity for the second time in the whole house. Everyone else works and i dont so they had to set their alarm clocks.

There is a lot I have to touch on. Ed the bass player doesnt want to be in the band, he wants to focus on his carrier. I am looking for jobs, 1 application a day. I might start bumping them up as time goes by. I am living in an Oxford House, after my plans to move in with a friend went down the drains. Then my dad (miss communication) passively told me he didnt want me living at his house. I was staying there less than a week, so i left went outside called my mom pissed off. I woke her up and started going off about my dad and she was half asleep and crying; told me what to say, so I go to see my dad and tell him "i'll have my bags packed and be out of here by tommorow and im going to sleep." All my dad could say was "that was fast." So I went to my room and had the first thought about drinking alcohol in 3 years. I left and started making phone calls, when my friend mentioned that I had the obsession to drink I told, "hmm drink, that doesnt sound like a bad idea i have a car and gas and tons of money" I also said "I feel so fucked up on the inside that I would like to jump in front of a car just so my physical body is align with my emotional pain" and then after talking to my sponsor, I prayed the serenity, lords prayer and a prayer to stay sober and for all my family and the whole time im crying my eyes out. My nose was filled with SNOT (i also cried to foo fighters - times like these a couple days before because of the lyrics "its times like these we learn to LIVE AGAIN, times like these we GIVE AND GIVE AGAIN, its times like these we learn to LOVE AGAIN, its times like these TIME AND TIME AGAIN.) Afterwards I talked to another alcoholic who had me breathe several times until I felt a little better. then told me to pray to get to sleep.

After this I started having trouble trying to sleep but I got intouch with my doctor from florida and he bumped up my meds and i have been perfect since then. Still a little moody and not always having the "right thought" but with my sponsor I am attending meetings regularly and he said I was already working the first 3 steps; (i picked up my 2 month chip) He said just that I should wait another 30 days until we go over my fourth step, but that I could work on the first column if i wanted to.

2011-12-31T12:18:00.001-08:00

I relapsed about a month or so ago, and my sobriety date is Nov 7. now. Although I never officially got my 3 year chip, I still have never touched a drop of alcohol. I was what we alcoholics like to call "Marijuana Maintenance" I had never heard marijuana talked about in an aa meeting in the 3 years I had been going until I went to pick up a white chip. I do understand it is using (mainly because its illegal?)

I hadnt had a thought of a drink until 2 weeks ago when my dad was asking when I'd (in my own words) get my shit together, get a job, and move out. What i found out is that this was a miscommunication because he thought that my mom and gandi were dropping me off because they couldnt deal with me. Nonetheless I moved from familys house to familys house and now ended up @ an oxford house.

Lately i have been complacent on finding a job. It just feels as if my whole body and mind weigh 10 pounds heavier whenever the thought of filling a job app comes up.

I miss my dog bob marley, aka robert downey jr, lobster bob. I taught him how to play soccer among other things and i feel sad writing about it now. He is my best friend. Always there for me.
So much fun. I learned to paddle surf with him while chasing coconuts. The list goes on. and so does my love for him.

When my dad said he wanted me out of the house, I left and called my mom hysterical, she woke up crying because i was saying "im gonna punch him in the face." She told me to tell him "ill have my thigns packed in the morning and leave that next morning." He looked around shocked and said to me "that was quick" This is when i went to my room, i had the first thought about a drink in 3 years. The next thing I did was what I was conditioned to do through A.A. I called several friends and they helped me through the situation. At first i was telling them i wanted to drink. Then I was telling them i wanted to jump in front of a car because that would make my physical pain match my emotional pain. I was told to pray (cried through the whole prayer) Then I was told to breath, which helped, then pray to god that i get some sleep.

2011-09-06T09:55:00.000-07:00

I went to an alanon meeting one night, shared about how my mom first started going to alanon "for me." long before she had been going for my step-father andy. well then i guess i fast fowarded to the future because I said, how grateful i am for being able to live with both my step-father and my mom who are "recovered alcoholics." Personally I like to think you're never fully recovered. However I said they had 4 or 5 years and I was coming up with 3 years, andHow i am grateful for eveything, and that I pray on a constant basis. And that it came around now My sobriety keeps my parents sober and theirs- mine. I also mentioned I prayed all the time everywhere, in my room, with my parents, friends at work, driving. Anywase the point of the story is that I went to the subway next door, and this woman bought me 3 chocolate chip cookies and said how she "loved my share on being grateful" and that "i think gratetidude is very powerfull, and that everymornining I say a gratitdude for 5 people. you should try it." WHY NOT??!

So IvE bEeN GoINg ouT To ThE cLuB WiTh mY FriEnds- some guys I JUST met. For instance- I was playing the kavasutra guitar out front on the benches (i made 2 bucks) and theywere like sing a song to those girls walking by and, I freestyled one. Then the night before we were hitting on girls and they called me "pistol pete" unfortunately I shaved my head all the way with a 1 razor so I look like a skin head, but this one girl said she was "fat" outloud and i could hear it as i was walking away. I did an about-face turn and say did you just call yourself phat? and they were like what? i asked again. "yeah" she said, I quickly replied, "pretty hot and tempting?" hell yes. i gave her friend who was a larger black woman a high five, we sat down and talked. All my friends were like wtf did you say? haha then The last night, we all went out and couldnt bag one "whore." Anyywase it was fun cuz by the end of the night my friends had me cracking up at the pizza place, this guy sings and was on his knees to people in this small pizza shack at the top of his lungs some journey or some shit. LOL.

2011-08-30T08:29:00.000-07:00

This is nice, I am listening to Essex Green - Our Lad in Havana. I feel good. have been working at Gulfstream Goodwill Industries for coming up 6 months now. I will leave 6 months later to travel home to Virginia. Those are my plans at least. iN aDitIONoN i am AlSo MeNTorIng AT Nami. @ Gulfstream I work with Developmentally Disabled Adults. Look it up if you have to. I have some of the best times working there. The staff is friendly and so are the participants. They crack me up sometime too. Its a lot of fun. I get to work with the personal trainer for half-the-day and its awesome.

I've been going out 'socializing'. At A.A. and Downtown West Palm Beach. The day after my doctor told me I need to go out and socialize more, I went to an AA meeting and met these people that introduced themselves and the next night we went out to FUN DEPOT. FUN DEPOT = batting cages, air hockey, skeeball, go-karts, laser-tag. In that order. I met a really attractive girl there. We were flirting but i didnt remember her name or get her #, so ive been going back to that same club to try and find her. I met a girl on Clematis St. one weekend after watching her dance and overhear her talking about playing guitar to a song the band was playing. I passed her when I was planning on leaving but then I made a quick u-turn asked her about it, stroked up a convo, invited me to a nudist resort, got her #, found out we live near eachother. So the next night we bike up meet up at the south bridge. We ride and talk then get to my house shes asking about all my family we go upstairs shes like "we gotta get nude." I was like, "okay" Then we chilled a litle, a-lex litle. Now we are back in the room and rubbing eachoher in a major way. We fall back on the bed making out and fondling one another, then she said "condom." In my head I said "F5ck" end of story we walked 3 blocks just to get the condoms, when we get home shes tired and nothing happens. Then she calls me next week when we planned to chill again. She excommunicates me. But She was bieng "positive" about it. WTF IS positive about Denying friendship. UGHHH. It kills me. She was also going to hook me up with the band that played that night. Now... I dont know. FCK GD DMIT. Okay I'm alright.

3 months until i get my 3 year chip in A.A.

2011-01-09T18:44:00.000-08:00

Tommorow I go to my first Group therapy session at the Family Behavioral Center. I am killer about that bcz it will give me structure. In other news I am in the process of getting a job. I have an opportunity forsure in February through a close friend. The job entails mentoring those with dual diagnosis taking them to aa meetings talking to them about illnesses, and driving them to their appointments and so forth.

Well im gonna continue to blog, cuz... thats what i do. Also i noticed 7 people visited today. Anyway I'm feeling good (which is a major change and im stoked) and I am calmed down. I am upping my dosage of lithium to combat racing thoughts. I am slowing down my racing thoughts... i went on a walk/talk with a friend last night and that helped.

Generally, racing thoughts are described by an individual who has had an episode as an event where the mind uncontrollably brings up random thoughts and memories and switches between them very quickly. Sometimes they are related, as one thought leads to another; other times they are completely random. A person suffering from an episode of racing thoughts has no control over his or her train of thought and it stops them from focusing on one topic or prevents sleeping.

i just disobayed my doctors orders. I asked him is it okay to drink kava? He said you should avoid it until your racing thoughts/rapid speech dissapear. But i couldnt take it tonight i just had to have one. As far as i've read (http://dodgedepression.blogspot.com/2009/12/bipolar-affective-disorder-is-more-than.html) it works for bipolar being place at number 3 as a natural remedy. Proceeded by medicine of coarse like Mood stabalizers and Anti-psychotics. Also ive smoked half as many ciggarrettes as I did when I was really episodal. I used tosmoke a couple packs a week, but im back to bumming cigs when i feel i need to and so i smoke 1 or 2 a day if that. Some days no smoke at all.

LYRICS

but when nirvana sings lithium it does like a suicidal hidden message
the second verse: "I'm so lonely, that's OK
I shaved my head and I'm not sad
And just maybe I'm to blame
For all I've heard but I'm not sure
I'm so excited (i'm suicidal), I can't wait to meet you there "

also the first line about "I'm so happy 'cause today
I've found my friends, they're in my head " i like

i like the atcq song "hey sucka nigga" because it talks about how the n word "See, nigga first was used back in the Deep South
Fallin out between the dome of the white man's mouth
It means that we will never grow, you know the word dummy (nigger)
Other niggas in the community think it's crummy
But I don't, neither does the youth cause we
em-brace adversity it goes right with the race
And being that we use it as a term of endearment"

i like this song by foo fighters - my poor brain because it talks about black outs "Real life is so hard
We hide in the stars
That's where our heads are
My head and your heart
This is a black out
Don't let it go to waste
This is a black out
I want to detonate"

then it goes into (and this is a translation from kid A) "sometimes I feel I'm getting stuck, between the handshake and the fuck" i think is the line that says what the whole song is about. i think it's about thinking too much about whether a particular relationship will work and not just trusting your heart. oh how much this is about my life!

Anxiety Reactions and Techniques to Stop Racing Thoughts

http://ezinearticles.com/?Anxiety-Reactions-and-Techniques-to-Stop-Racing-Thoughts&id=614404

What happens to you when you feel anxious? You may find that you are having heart palpitations, sweaty palms, feel flushed, or are suffering from racing thoughts. You may even think that you are having a heart attack if the anxiety is overwhelming. Many people in my practice ask me how to stop that seemingly un-ending road of fear and panic. It seems as though once you start on that road, it is difficult to pull off it.

This is quite understandable if you understand the biology of anxiety. Anxiety served as a protective purpose for us during the times of the saber-toothed tiger. These animals lived roughly about 33.7 million to 9,000 years ago and were quite deadly to humans. Humans developed an anxiety reaction to these animals to protect them from being eaten. This is known as the fight or flight syndrome and it is a primitive reaction that we have developed to protect us. However, we are no longer in danger of the saber-toothed tiger, but our well developed anxiety reactions are still present. They serve a useful purpose in times of real imminent danger. But many people find that they are suffering from anxiety that is not related to real imminent harm.

Now you ask, "How do we stop those racing thoughts and adrenaline-like feelings so that we can stop worrying and be more productive?" Well one of the tools you can use is called the thought-stopping technique. It is quite simple and many people laugh when they first hear it, but it really does work.

Imagine a stop sign. It is red and white and has eight sides. In the middle of that octagonal shaped sign is the word "STOP". Now imagine that word "STOP" being said out loud to you by either you or someone else, or printed on a piece of paper right in front of you. Usually you will stop what you are doing or thinking even for a second and wonder, "What do I have to stop for?", "What is going on?" Then you may go back to your racing thoughts or actions you were performing just before you heard or saw the word "STOP".

The key here is that you just shut down that cyclical pattern of thoughts even for a second as you pondered the word "STOP". As you go back to whatever you were doing just before imagining the word "STOP", you are still training yourself to be more in control. What we know about anxiety is that the premise is one of fear. Fear is about feeling out of control of what will happen to us. However, once you employ the thought stopping technique, you were in control of stopping your racing thoughts, even for a second.

The thought stopping technique is as easy as what I described above. It is a way to interrupt your racing thought patterns. Now if you find yourself going back to your intruding thoughts, imagine the word "STOP" again. Imagine a stop sign or repeat the word out loud over and over. Again, you may find yourself going back to your racing thoughts, but this time you shut that process down for a few seconds. Every time you do this, you are re-training your brain to interrupt the seemingly un-ending cycle of racing thoughts that are creating a lot of your anxiety symptoms.

Thought stopping techniques are very useful tools to help you when you feel that your thoughts are out of control. If you are still struggling with anxiety to the point that you are not being productive in your life, you should have a full psychological and medical evaluation to see if there is another reason for your anxiety. Some people need medications and others need on-going psychotherapy or both.

What ever it is that you choose to do, you need to take back the control in your life and understand that there are some processes that you do have control over. Thought stopping techniques will help you begin to put yourself back on that road of control.

2010-12-25T11:25:00.000-08:00

Thursday I went out with Samantha from the NYA group. I had so much fun it had to have been one of the best days of my life. We met her friend there who's bf was playing a set acoustically... we got to talking i eventually backed him up on another acoustic!! this was my 3rd Live appearance on guitar live!!! We as checkout out an art show with a girl being body painting,

ate dinner on a long boardwalk out on the intercoastal and finished the night dancing to some dubstep at a club. Great night!

Christmas Eve: My mom now has some depression and it collided with mine like a 2 car pile up. Its like putting gasoline on a fire. or everclear into my bloodstream. Its been about 2-3 weeks since I've felt off my rocker but right now i feel pretty good venting. Xmas was good. Although i didnt stay for Charades and my mom really wanted me to because im her only blood relative. But i couldnt do it. My body repulsed the feeling of puttnig myself in that situation. She also said she didnt want to do it/go she said she had to put on a facade to make everyone think everything was just fine. I didnt understand that, if your family is supportive they'll understand you, if they dont... their loss, their ignorance. But one day another sick person will come into their life or they'll get sick themselves.

I dont know if i have mentioned but i started networking. Not only at AA meetings but on facebook. I have news feeds for specific groups of people. Eg. Positive, Spiritual Chat, Spiritual Group, Interesting, AA, etc.... It really helps me stay in contact with close friends that have similar interests.

Feelings: everything seems irritating. without warning, I crash land. I feel so bad that everything seems sad, dark, and heavy. Nothing feels good, and you're certain that you're stuck in this black hole forever. you are screaming at the top of your voice (in the car), feeling extremely out of control, extremely irritable and you want to smash everything around you.

Full-blown mania is from hell. In fact I think it is worse on those around me. I call this kind of mania the "bad mania." Far from being fun, it is absolutely miserable and when I have been full blown manic I have scared many people as I can be way out of control. (i remember going manic at a friends house in college in his apartment, i was Beatboxing making funny voices and my frienrd was high. When he saw that i wouldnt stop, he kicked me out.)

http://dinoandbuddha.livejournal.com/49106.html "Oddly enough, no emotional or stressful breakdowns thus far. I feel I'm living and dancing right on the edge but I could fall at any time." This is exactly how i feel at the moment. And a good song to represent this is Aerosmith - Living on the edge." Taking it easy. Very easy. Trying to have fun and keep the PMA at all times." PMA!!!!! " I GOTTA KEEP MY PMA" - Bad Brains

My eyes are kind of messed. I usually see blury but if i focus my eyes well enough i can see half way decent. I wish i could just see clearly effortlessly.

LINKS 2 check out: (spiritual)

http://lazaris.com/newvisitor.cfm

I'll end this post with an Irish blessing

May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
and the rains fall soft upon your fields,
and until we meet again,
may God hold you in the palm of his hand.

(and below a motivational speaker)

http://theetstory.org/home

2010-12-13T20:59:00.000-08:00

Little things help when your depressed like talking to people. When I went out to this nya activitie group i was listening to biggie smalls ready to die. And as we got to the spot me and friend sang the lyrics "i dont want to live no more, sometimes i hear death knocking at the front door, i live every day like a hustle, another drug to juggle, another day another struggle." And if i were to sing that alone i would just feel depressed, but when we both sang it i felt a glimpse of happiness i was happy for a moment.

Nya at the kavasutra turned out to be kava bar no hookah, but i asked to play on this guys guitar and together sang What I Got by sublime. And it was in front of all my support friends and they were stalefaced but one of my friends came up afterward and said man your crazy! i was like thanks!

since we were a little dissapointed about the kavasutra (i wish it was kamasutra) we went to aya's house. It was right near by and awesome. Beautiful house and she had a guitar. One guy wasnt feeling too well isolating in her room while we were downstairs in the living room playing guitar drums and bored-games. Anywase i went to go talk to him
and he just said he had been depressed for 5 months and felt like he was just going down
then another friend walked in and shared his experience simple things like "it gets better" and he finally came downstairs where i played a request for him sweet child of mine guitar solo included and he was thrilled to hear it

then we went out through the backyard to the golf course where we walked to the middle then i put on a dance song where i heard aya dance to on dance-dance-revolution. "It aint nothing like hip hop music" so i put that song on and started trying to break dance. i fell on my ass and people laughed but then one person did a flip off his back and then a front flip so the guy who was feeling down, now laughing, tryed the front flip but EPIC FAIL. landed on his knees. he
laughed it off and left feeling on a great note.

today my meds really kicked into high gear i woke up for a doctors appointment at a normal time but i could barley keep my eyes open. I fell asleep in the waiting room and then when they called me i jumped up like it was nothing

i felt pretty subdued the whole day until i finally agreed to go out with my friend. When he came i was waiting out in the street for him and i did a jive dance and it made me laugh so i felt better.

then we went to a friends house played pool (i won 1 game) and then got my guitar and had a fire pit where i played some bob marley and indian classical music.

2010-12-12T05:57:00.000-08:00

11/29/10 3:55 PM I Jammed, with Tyler today he lives. In one of those living facilities Next to South County Mental Health Center. So he's has anger issues and probably some mental health issues, but he was rapping his Christian rap song and he said, hey talked afterwards and he said he lost his faith But I'm like, dude. I told him “man you have faith in you. In your music and stuff and don’t let anyone tell you different” I just sat out there with all the different people, I probably shouldn’t be there because.im not a visitor. I don't know anybody, but I told that to my sponsor and my mom. Not my doctor But hey, I wanted to talk to do the people who were in-patient but theres people are living next to the facility so so their not inpatient. So anyways. Iwhat happened is, I, I got on the train. I I I I had, 2, energy drinks and those set me off a previous time so said half previous time, so. And I missed my pills On the train. The next night I got into an argument with My mom we were just talking about Maria and Dad and the family and a conflict there you know which I find out theres no conflict. I was agreeing with everything that was going on (acceptance) My mom said she didnt care. She got negative a little bit. And I got really irritated. I escalated I starting saying “If you don't care I don’t care Fuck it I don’t care about anything”. And I started hitting my head in my hand and really getting so aggressive so much rage my mom's freaked out then she said “im worried” and that's when it happened. I called my sponsor, he's bipolar too and told me take 3 deep breaths go see your psychiatrist tomorrow and get some good sleep and you know So I did you know I'm. Also, you know so I figured out how to do the klonapin to help me out. taking some tea and or drink Water you know, and gatorade elextrolites, and lacrosse my friends coming down to west palm, possibly down here so Ill have another friend but i still wanna get a job and I wanna move back eventually to Virginia. And play music. So anyways one love peace out

11/29/10 4:46 PM Everything happens for reason I got offered a job, or opportunity for a job. At the train station Amtrak 711 the I've tried, the library, I even went to the Orchid Society, and I can volunteer the Orchid Society. I'm trying to think. One of the jobs. If you work at. But a lot of opportunities of opened up to me and just Really in instantly. Haven't thinking about it. But you know everything is coming to my life for a purpose and Yeah, when I speak Spiritually, sometimes 2 Too many times I was at escalating. But my friends and my family. They don't, get to my level. Kinda maybe I am. To grandiose of the deal. And too emotionally unstable but. spiritually I think that like and I I I was trying to be all the time, spiritually. And maintain that quality. But sometimes I may get cocksure or whatever about it. Not all humans are perfect, but all beings are perfect and I think, everything's alive You know, plants nature people, places things, inanimate objects. My car is alive or a table or desk. It's vibrates at a frequency so than that, is vibration not what life is. We are also light consciousness. I I I, I. I don't know. I just. I hope I can This is message translates. bye bye. Namiste.

11/29/10 7:04 PM if youve ever. had rage, intense rage If you ever felt happy and wanna cry at the same time. Or just happy or sad, or depressed, or confused .But making. Hasty decisions. Implusive very sensitive, or. Any of these things: fear or faith. Hate, Love. And then you can relate to me I'm experience. All these things within, the past couple of days. Sometimes they come. They are also thing is, rapid rapidness (right business) Okay, so the rapid emotions rapid thinking. If you have no inner calm, Serenity, then you can relate to me and I can tell you what I'm doing for that. Right now, I. Im washing the dishes You know what I do. I wash my dishes. One scrub at a time.

11/30/10 Today is tuesday the day after i took the 15mg zyprexa i still feel unstable but i do notice i am tired a little bit more even just a little bit but thats it

12/11/10 right now I feel depressed I had a good night but I just feel doom defeat disgust, iask myself am I. Ready to die @ first no I'm still attatched to life then I ask again and I say yes not out of love but hate. I don't need to look in the mirror id rather not right now I'm down I am underground. I'm not right, I don't need to write but this helps I can feel the pain another day when I look back. Right now is not right and I must not be in the moment if there is nopain in the now. I am sick. I am not happy. I am sad.

12/12/10 im looking forward for today, not only is this a day for medtation but NYA (Nami Young Adults) group is meeting up a kavasutra a kava bar with hookah. It should be fun. Im still not feeling well on the inside. FIN.

2010-11-29T16:33:00.000-08:00

To continue from my last post, I finsihed my 11th step. "saught through prayer and medtiation to improve our higher contact with a god of our understanding." And I had already been praying and meditating. So this continued. I then recieved my 2 year chip. And this is where my journey begins:

I am escalating into a manic cycle maybe depression but i dunno. I drank a huge monster energy drinks a few nights ago and one a day after. I also was on the train home and forgot to take my meds. I also think i forgot to take them one time a couple days before my train ride. Here are my stream of thoughts:

***Stream of thought****: I'm thankful for the dogs in my life, my relationship with women, music that I hear and play. Supported Family, unconditional love, aa, a good friend, this moment, I am always getting better, I feel better all the time, time is an illusion, I feel better now, and now, and now. My optimism rises exponentially, god things happen in my life, I feel calm inside, I always look @ things from another perspective- we were driving and a mini van cuts us off or is speeding faster than. Us n were already driving 10 over the limit, then guys in car say what a jerk... I take 1 second and say "that van had children in it and they were late for something important, and the children are our future." And though no1 acknowledged the creative optimism I feel my presence brought light into their soul. Another perspective I've learned is to always say its all good instead of no problem. The word problem subtly givesa message that it was a problem but not anymore. I try to be compassionate. I listen in meetings for something I want to hear I don't fret or sweat about someone too into the problem. I think life is the solution. Life is eternal, hope is eternal, everything good positive optimisitic there are many truths but only one truth. God is omnipotent, omnipresent, and omniscience. I network with those good souls with love and stay connected and we help one another. This made me think: life is a bitch and then we die. The seventh sense is that we are all one. Metaphysicaly we r all 1 heart 1 lung. Things still make me embarrased and uncomfortable but I use humility, and love and when things seem bleak I like to laugh about it. I know when 1 door closes another opens. Opportunity is knocking, when one door closes there's a window open. A window of opportunity. I choose patience over expectations. I love to pray and meditate. I want to move to india under a guru, or visit for a meditation retreat. No one is perfect but we are all perfect. No 1 is the same but we are all the same. I am working on normal tasks- anxiety with school meeting girls I like I start shaking but that's normal and introverted and highly sensitive but that's normal. Crazy is as crazy does. Insanity is repeating the same thing over and expexting different results. Technology and human evolution is happening at an exponential rate. Soon nano bytes can replace white blood cells, sending enough oxygen for you to stay underwater for 10 minutes with one breath. we only know 15% of the brain, but with reverse-technology we will, in 15-20 years know 90% of it and start developing nano tech brain cells which can do anything imaginable. Viritual reality in place of your sight or augmented reality, gps with your eyes, send videos of what your seeing. If u can wrap your mind around it. Use you intellect to lead you to self, to really overstand life. The most green burial you can have is do wat the tibetens do. Take your body to the mountains n then chop your body into pieces for the vultures to live...
(Pee break)
Apperences r illusions, beauty is on the inside. matter, for matter of fact is an illusion everything we think we see feel hear smell experience are just chemicals in your brain. dmt releases into your brain every night you sleep and contains geometric trance acid-like formations sometimes with "alien" like apperances that somehow keep you mind from going crazy.®(joe rogan) In dreams we receive cosmic energy, but in meditation we receive abundant cosmic energy flow. This cosmic energy heals our phsical body, spirit, and concsiousness. Our soul is or concsciousness, when we move to afterlife our speck of consciousness, which. Contains all the good, positive, spiritual, love experiences, returns to the collective consciousness. The phsical body is 98% space. Atoms are 98% space. The universe is mainly space n is expanding. Change is inevitible and change happens from the inside.

2. Writing lyrics is challenging soulwrenching peerpressuring humiliating and creative I just started up again after a year. I saw a poerty meeting one night and also with my stream of thoughts I felt in the mood to write. I am blessed to know a great writer n I'm getting some feedback from him right now. I have problems with being too eccentric incoherrent, and unstructured.

Everything happens for a reason. Hoobastank - the reason tears me up.

Hey Pete, What's happening Bro?

Maybe catch you next time.. Was thinking about you. My wife has been sober for 19 years. Glad to see you got your two years in.. It only gets better. - friend

this guy i might want to check out http://lazaris.com/newvisitor.cfm

***THE NEXT PART OF THIS BLOG IS ABOUT MY RECENT SPIRITUAL JOUNREY AND BRAIN DISEASE ESPECIALLY THE BIPOLAR BUT NOT JUST SPECIFICALLY NOT ALCOHOLISM :***

When you say thank you and someone says “no problem” it may/or may not suggest there is or was a problem. Or if you say thank you and someone says “no problem” you make a inside joke and say “no kidding its your job”

I seem to have lost perspective with my racing thoughts and disorganized disjointed disconnected, incohesive spasmodic chaotic thinking

But my spiritual teaches me I can learn to say (instead of no problem /worries) its okay, that’s fine, your welcome, it all good. At times I really have a keen ear for positivity, when my grandiose brain tries to intellectualize the self.

THIS NEXT SECTION. Here. Now, i'll talk in lower caps, I just wanted to somehow organize these thoughts. The next section is a work in progress. Google Voice will now translate my rants into text so whenever I feel textual. Not to be confused with sexual. I can can speak into a text blog. I dont lost my voice plus I am a singer I dont want to talk on a podcast about my bipolar. Maybe One day I'll post the mp3 of some of these Blog Google Voice translation talks. I have to still translate them because they are not PERFECT. Not every human is perfect, but every BEing is perfet. So just BE.

11/29/10 3:53 PM Hey. So I say I figure im an introvert and I am, I am an INFP Intiutive Introverted Feeling and Preciving But I I I feel myself going outside of myself thats because im escalating to a manic episode

Where I talk a lot faster and. I think Fast and I my motions go faster next. Mixed emotions. And I'm laughing. And feel like crying at the same time.

But you know. Right now a couple things that calm me down cigarettes, (anti-anxiety meds, deep breaths) and I just took non caffeenee tea see it which I mean tea still has probably caffennie in it (retrospect this tea made me really sleepy on the way home like really. I was near little water falls and fountains and the tea said the same way you hear and feel a waterfall you will taste this tea. So it was Powerful (good/calming) to say the least.

( I talk about relaxing because its 330 they close at 430 and they are literally rushing me. I am taking my time, And I tell them about my history my aunt nancy is a orchid, grower, writer, and judge here on the west coast and my sister is a horticulturalist. So at the end I told them I liked the angel trumpets, kadalia, and jack fruit.)

Mint melody just as a lovely waterfall brings a sense of regreshment to your eyes and ears

Mint melody will bring the same quality to your sense of taste. Enjoy mint melody its lively flavor refesshes all any time of day. So im gonna refresh my time of day with cig,tea im at the orchid society here in florida by the morikami gardens and hopefully I can take braeanna here some day and just hang out and its be tranquil and ill finish with this another time bye.

*** Here is what google voice translation made of that converstation***

But anyway to said on the back it says mint melody, just as a lovely waterfall bring the sense of refreshment key rising is in 90. Will bring the same quality sense of taste, enjoyments now the It's slightly for your refresh to the all anytime of day. I was gonna fresh. My time in the was here in and says my tea and Is. The. I'm of the audit society. I had for the but mark on the gardens and how they can take ramming a Sunday just hang out and this is really try to call and I'll finish with this another time. Bye.

More to come in the future. Past present and future are all a state of mind, the reality is they're happening at the same time I get a little help with google voice. But maybe because im escalating my voice is too fast too google translate into text. My SOLUTION?: Download the mp3 of the voicemail, then to Audacity, slow it down really slow then type out what I was saying.

These next talks expect them they should be on escalating. NOT GHOST DRIVING

2010-07-31T18:30:00.000-07:00

Its been a long time since ive gotten back to writing here. I just finished my 10th step with my sponsor. It was the best meeting i've ever had we talked about making amends, buddha nature, positivity, peace. All my favorite subjects

This excerpt is out of the Nami Peer-to-Peer manual.
"Be here now" baba ram dass

often, our past preoccupies us so much that we fail to notice what is actually happening right now. Worry about the future can rob us of the ability to be grounded in the present moment. At times our emotions and thoughts are so distracting that they insert themselves between us and the moment of life we are living. But the fact is, each moment in our life is life making itself available to us, and once it is gone we will never again have a moment just like it.

stress.about.com/od/optimismspirituality/a/optimismbenefit.htm

We Feel Fine / mission without this site I wouldnt have found this blog http://internetforwealth.com/1830/motivational-video-anti-racial-and-unity-is-strength/ which would have led me to this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QERuKC34smw

I have to imbibe this technoloveology. I think its great. its done wonders for my ever growing geometrical music collection. Its kind of like tools fibonacci theory.

In other news i am volunteering again (this is my second time) for Nami Peer-to-Peer. And in October i will me mentoring @ south county's peer-to-peer.

Soon to come... a bunch of backed up posts... I stored on my computer. Better good right bad feeling alone sad sorry different great new sure crazy sick beautiful both okay Peace out!

2010-01-26T09:45:00.000-08:00

I just heard the "if reffer really makes you happy then blaze it" song again... and I had the craving for pot.

I'm bipolar can I smoke marijuana?
http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=advice&id=182&at=2&cn=4&ad_2=1

Persons such as yourself who have (judging from your medicines) problems with anxiety, mood swings and psychotic symptoms should NEVER NEVER EVER go near marijuana. Your brain is already having some problems staying stable. All those medicines you are taking are there to try to hold your brain together in a reasonable semblance of normalcy. If you even hang around with other people who smoke, you're going to want to smoke yourself. Only thing is - you can't afford to smoke because your brain will blow a gasket. If you care about yourself - if you care about other people around you (your family, your friends, your loved ones, a therapist you respect, anyone at all who you might care about and who might care for you) then please ditch those pot smoking friends, and stay away from marijuana. ( This is a hard pill to swallow)

- I had to audition for my voice class this semester and I did I was really nervous, I sang "sometimes i feel like a motherless child" which I got an A. In last time i took voice. My teacher was backing me up on piano and he said I was "Rusty" but I passed. Now im in voice instruction with "chuck" who aparently taught my old teacher all he knows. He gave me a vibrato starting excercise and i coughed up and he told me by the end of the semester Id have natural vibrato.

My spiritual reading group stopped michael beckwith's spiritual liberation -midway and started again on Emmit fox's Sermon on the mount. Two things we talked about:

The world is alive. Haiti people didn't deserve the earthquake, they just happened to be at a spot where the earth was moving.

Christianity and the bible was only metaphysical and in no way religious or theological. All the religions that take the bible literally are wrong and so anything they invent is not in line with Gods view such as naming a Pope and dressing him all up to be flashy for people.

- A charlatan (also called swindler or mountebank) is a person practicing quackery or some similar confidence trick in order to obtain money, fame or other advantages via some form of pretence or deception.

2009-12-31T15:18:00.000-08:00

I am starting school this new year with roughly 4 classes all on music. Music theory and then some concert chorus and applied voice lessons. I am also being a mentor in peer to peer starting Jan 9th every saturday for a month or so. I will be reading from the manual, sharing my story, writing on an easel board, starting the mindfulness practices, and provding positive reinforcement to everyones views.

----------

Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Precieving.

Sometimes INFPs deny having ideals or principles since it's possible to equate a reliance on principles with dogmatism and inflexibility. Instead, they prefer to talk about feelings: not momentary emotional states but the personal values on which the feeling function operates.

INFPs do not measure life in terms of the number of friends and acquaintances they have but rather by the quality of their friendships. For INFPs, the distinction between friends and acquaintances is very important; an acquaintance is someone they spend time with while a friend is someone with whom an INFP can share ideas and feelings. Their most valuable friends are people who understand their important values and accept them unconditionally.

An INFP's feelings are often guarded, kept safe from attack and ridicule. Only a few, close confidants are permitted entrance into this domain.

One common discouragement for INFP's is that societal change often seems impossible. When INFPs become discouraged, they may need some time and space to rediscover their values and a sense of inner peace. The conflict between their ideal world and "reality", as they see it can cause depression or withdrawal from the world unless they have people that support them in their projects.

Infp profile http://www.aesthetic-images.com/ebuie/infp-profile.html

2009-12-04T10:45:00.000-08:00

Grapevine A.A.'s meeting in print states:

They Stopped In Time:
Among today's incoming AA members, many have never reached the advanced stages of alcoholism, though given time all might have.
Most of these fortunate ones have had little or no acquaintance with delirium, with hospitals, asylums, and jails. Some were drinking heavily, and there had been occasional episodes. But with many, drinking had been little more than a sometimes uncontrollable nuance. Seldom had any of these lost either health, business, family, or friends.
Why do men and women like these join AA? They sum it up something like this: "We didn't wait to hit bottom because, thank God, we could see the bottom. Actually, the bottom came up and hit us. That sold us on Alcoholics Anonymous.

---------

In Krs-ones First Instrument: Gospel of Hip-hop

Gods work is Gods will. Here we observe that spiritual strength is found in one's mastery of one's will. It is the will that resists temptation. It is the will that seeks GOD.

- This just happened to me when I heard a bonethugs n harmony song. "If refer really makes you happy then blaze it." and suddenly I had a craving for pot. But I willed it and asked a spiritual chat room for help and it helped.

The only time I can stop worrying about having to take my pills is when I am lowered into the ground in a casket.

- My doctor

2009-11-03T18:46:00.001-08:00

Tommorow Nov. 4th 2009 I pick up my one-year chip at A.A. My mother presents it to me while my stepfather and step grandmother (who has relatively 27 years sober) and my sponsor were there.

The temple of hip-hop talks about preserving the culture. They say the best way to preserve it is to preserve it and it will preserve yourself.

Similarly:

Transformers ~ A Global Wave Emerging !

"We change the world most effectively by changing our own consciousness. When we as individuals, grow in consciousness, the mass consciousness shifts accordingly. Our evolution as individuals changes the collective consciousness of our world. The way we can transform the world is by transforming ourselves and begin to act accordingly. As we become more consciousness - aware - old problems and patterns gradually melt away - and our lives will follow suit and go new ways. By making a commitment to our own consciousness journey - growth and change - we are not only transforming ourselves - we are contributing to the transformation of the world.

...There are generations whose very lives will be shifted and shaped by the moves we make and the actions we take."

BE. DO. ACT!

♥♥♥~•.¸♥ ..•*”˜”*°•. ˜”*°•♥•°*”˜ .•°*”˜”*°•.

2009-11-03T12:12:00.000-08:00

http://zenchillcom.powerful-benefits-of-walking.html

* Take the stairs wherever possible.

“Our true home is in the present moment. To live in the present
moment is a miracle. The miracle is not to walk on water. The
miracle is to walk on the green Earth in the present moment.” - Thich Nhat Hanh

So, now you know if someone ever tells you to “take a hike,” it’s actually a good thing. So be grateful for the reminder.

http://zenchillcom.secrets-of-my-success.html

As quantum physics has shown, there is no such thing as solid matter. Everything is energy. More importantly, everything is energy with a consciousness. In this quantum world of ours, everything, including so-called inanimate objects, such as your computer, automobile, and even the cement you walk on, are actually living things with a consciousness.

I am in a spiritual reading group on Michael Beckwith's Spiritual Liberation.

I learned to say "My pleasure" instead of "No Problem." "Interesting Question, why do you ask?" and "Good to see you" rather than "How are you?" and "Why do ask?" when someone asks a question of no importance.

this is a joy-based Universe

The confusion that humans feel is that they think they are asking with their words -- or even with their action -- and sometimes you are. But the Universe is not responding to your words or your action. The Universe is responding to your vibrational calling.

- Abraham-Hicks

Hell -

Symbolic of the lower plane of consciousness

The torment of experiencing that which contradicts the truth

Abstract-

In the realm of the formless. Apart from any particular object, as in the realm of ideation. The general, in contradistinction to the particular, as beauty, love, honesty, courage, etc. Abstract thought is in the higher ranges of thought, rather than in the concrete, as in particular objects.

Identical with the thought of abundance -

since thought produces fact, then fact must be like the thought which produces it. Hence a thought of impoverishment would create an impovershed condition, while the recognition of abundance would inevitably produce abundance.

Accumulated consciousness - the sum total of one's mental life

Random thoughts of the day:

I love the sense of camaraderie when a n entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

Be proactive.

Responce-ability The ability to choose your response.

Responce-able

Stephen R. Covey

If the only prayer you ever say in your whole life is "thank you," that would suffice - Meister Eckhart

2009-09-24T17:11:00.000-07:00

Power of Surrender

Did you know that no matter how happy (or not) you are in this moment you can be happier?

- hello? SAYY WHATT? Already, right off the bat this caught my attention.

I have come to believe there is a “blueprint” of our potential within each of us, just “waiting” behind a metaphorical door in our awareness. All of the desires, hopes, dreams, and wishes that would truly make our heart sing are written here on this blueprint.

When you surrender to your Inner Being, you are effectively saying “I don’t know what outcome is best here or what would truly make me happy, but You, my Inner Being does. Choose for me now.” Your Inner Being is God, your Higher Self, and the One Source Energy. Therefore, your Inner Being knows all that you truly are, past, present, and future. Your Inner Being knows all of your skills, abilities, talents, gifts, loves, passions, joys, and your original intentions for incarnating in this lifetime

say, ‘Of myself I can do nothing’ is to gain all power.”

Your simple willingness is all your Inner Being needs to literally transform your life. It will take care of all of the rest of the details for you. You need do nothing more. How cool is that?

- very cool.

2009-09-22T20:12:00.000-07:00

All while listening to harp music...

Enjoy the journey

In the earlier example of the new, red Ford Mustang with chrome rims, once you have it, new desires will emerge, such as I want a garage to park it in, a car cover to park it outdoors, insurance coverage, cool music to play in it while driving, etc. The actual moment of completion is brief and fleeting.

"It is more satisfying to embrace the process and path"

to your desires because this is never ending.

Think positively.

Like it or not, the fact is every one of your thoughts is creating vibrations within you and around you, including your environment and your world.

Focus on what you love and enjoy.

Simply withdraw your attention away from them and let them all go. Yes, it’s that simple. As you do this, you will be actually aligning your energy with what you do want, which is the highest vibration of all and the most attractive state-of-mind to possess.

* Appreciate more.

Whenever you are with other people, mentally perform what I call “The Big Three.” Silently acknowledge three or more characteristics (mental, emotional, physical, or spiritual) that you appreciate and like about them. There are no limitations here. It could be their eyes, smile, presence, personality, cool shoes, or anything else. The key is to only focus on what you like and appreciate and ignore all of the rest. In addition, wherever you find yourself, practice “The Big Three”, in the same manner, on yourself, your environment, relationships, and in your daily activities. You will see and feel an improvement immediately. When you are in a state of appreciation and gratitude, you are offering no resistance to the universe and are literally attracting to yourself all of the things you truly desire. It’s like you become a giant magnet for all of the things you consider to be good and desirable in your life. How cool is that! - Very cool indeed.

Send out good “vibes.”

“the Divinity in me salutes the Divinity in you.”

Be calm and assertive

- right out of dog whisperer

When your energy is calm and assertive, you are at your greatest point of power in your life and world. When you add positive thoughts and vibrations to all of this, you will become magnetically attractive and irresistible, not only to others, but to the entire universe. Who knew?

2009-09-20T18:30:00.001-07:00

Self-Confidence Formula - http://www.goodtofeelgood.com/blog/the-starting-point-of-all-miracles/

2nd - I realize the dominating thoughts of my mind will eventually reproduce themselves in outward, physical action, and gradually transform themselves into physical reality, therefore, I will concentrate my thoughts for thirty minutes daily, upon the task of thinking of the person I intend to become, thereby creating in my mind a clear mental picture of that person.

I just bought this shirt ----------------->

Spiritual Liberation

"Life is not a problem to be solved but a mystery to be lived."

in regard to a baby chick "The solution has already been placed in the seed of the chicks existence" Meaning the beak is prepared to crack open the egg when the chick is ready to hatch. "And so it is with us, all we need is peck our way out of any challenging is already within us."

Anonymous said...

A FINANCIAL REVOLUTION PART VII

A Modern day “Boston Tea Party”, Americans all over America are in disbelief over American politicians’ inability to understand basic concepts. “For the people by the people” our framers mantra has somehow gotten lost in America’s ever yielding quest for capital. In the beginning of our nation the people were the capital; that has now been replaced by saving the homeland “land” and the producing of things—metal, wood, plastic, etc. and whatever you can make out of them; be it, cars, computers, flat screen TVs, etc you get the picture. We, the people have become inconsequential as America’s wealth.

- I dislike the constant struggle over material artifacts in a spiritual world.

I remember how obama first said "America does not torture." This made me so happy. Also how he said everyone will have healthcare in america.

Get so fixated on what you want, that you drown out any vibration or reverberation that has anything to do with what you do not want.

- Abraham Hicks

2009-09-19T13:16:00.000-07:00

The Subtle World -

It is the Divine Presence that guides the soul in this inner world. It sees to it that it gets the right amount of inner nourishment, that it doesn’t get lost, and that it keeps heading towards the final goal, the final conquest of unconsciousness by consciousness, of darkness by light, of ignorance by knowledge.

I am so young

2009-09-18T18:45:00.000-07:00

All my life i wanted to be on some pill or medication tablet that would correct me. Even though there was nothing wrong with me at the time. This then turned into me getting on add medication and drinking at the same time and having a psychotic breakout. Now having bipolar I am determined to take the pills even when i dont want to.

Growing up i was sick of politics and would say i hope we get these "old white balls" out of the office. When obama was announced president of the united states of america i teared up. Cries of exultation. Theres more to it though. As my friends and musical tastes were eclectic I opened my mind to all ethnicities. Bob marley would pray that every person man and woman of every race on the earth would live together in harmony.

Divine Love - Holistic Development
It’s important to understand that there are different degrees to which one may receive this love. For the rare fortunate one, it could mean a complete drowning — an elimination of the limited ego resulting in God Realization. For most people, however, it is more of a melting, an embrace from divinity. It serves the purpose of focusing the consciousness on the life of the spirit.

In my life, I have experienced the latter a few times. Each time. tears flowed out of immense inner joy.

To have that experience is to know that unbounded love and joy are real. It is life changing. Once someone becomes the recipient of this Divine Love, his or her life changes to a different playing field. As Dorothy said,

“We’re not in Kansas anymore.”

2009-09-11T19:10:00.000-07:00

Your search - ♥ - did not match any documents.

Suggestions:

Try different keywords.

2009-08-27T18:32:00.000-07:00

Lately I picked up my 9 month yellow chip. I talked to my doctor and he said after reviewing it over, he was to call me Bipolar and not schiozaffective. He said that it has been 8 months since Ive had any psychosis so it seems more Bipolar. At a meeting I took into St. Marys mental hospital Andrea said that her disease is of the thought and feelings. I couldn't agree more.

2009-08-21T13:04:00.000-07:00

I just found the name of a classical song that I have been searching for 5 years. Bolero. My parents would play this song during Christmas all the time. Its steady drum beat and awesome notes were there best! Ravel's Bolero has been used in countless ad campaigns, by Torvill and Dean for their perfect gold medal performance at the 1984 Winter Olympics Bolero - which Ravel insisted reflected his fascination for the well-oiled pounding of heavy machinery, but in which others have seen a "veritable hymn to desire" and an "exaltation of the erotic" - is, apparently, played somewhere in the world every 15 minutes. It has been one of France's top three musical exports, classical and contemporary combined, for decades.

Ep 5

Around the time I was back from college I started to use drugs Marijuana and Alcohol to self medicate. I spent a lot of time at my friends house the Galloway’s. While there I would have a manic episode along with the killing of many brain cells. Smoking weed until I was a stupor. Getting so high and grandiose that I thought while playing guitar I could play all the “right notes” and soothe everyone around me. I can play by ear and so I would listen to my surroundings and then play along with whatever noises I heard. At one point I was in the basement singing and playing my heart out thinking that I was the only one god consciousness in the world. I felt I was “the one” and all-powerful god. The mania kept me awake for 4 days straight with only a few hours of sleep. I then continued to sit at home in the center of my room and play again to the sounds of the house. At this point I started hearing voices of my sister and mother saying generic things like “Don’t do drugs” and “I love you, don’t forget to brush your teeth.” Then I started hearing bad things like my brother saying, “Fuck you.” Or “go to hell”. I only had one responsibility that summer and it was to go to the DMV and renew my license. On the way there the birds calling me “gay” haunted me. I became hypervigilant. Hearing auditory hallucinations I entered the DMV feeling punitive and delusional. I thought I could hear what was on everyone’s mind at the same time and hear all of them speaking. The room was full and it was not easy to move around. Feeling hypersexuality I thought every woman wanted me. My number was finally called and I walked up to the teller but I felt threatening voices all around me which made me tremble and leave the DMV. The next few days I tried again but went to a different DMV at the mall. The same thing happened to me again. The line was long and I don’t think I succeeded.

2009-08-20T14:26:00.000-07:00

Great site for learning the guitar http://www.myguitarsolo.com/index.html

There is “a box of wisdom” that I just learned was there. It provides encouragement to keep practicing! http://www.guitarshredshow.com/

For them the physical body is a barrier to spiritual liberation

- The Life of Buddha

Ep 7

Visiting a.a.

After my second year of college I felt sick of the same old routine of drinking at parties and the usual nonsense. I invited of a friend who had just finished his classes and wanted to drink to celebrate. I told him I didn’t want to but I relentlessly gave in and drank on the rooftop. I started playing my guitar and singing off into the street below. Throwing stuff off unto the people walking on the sidewalk I then accidentally smashed my head with the guitar. I got down from the roof and had this awful feeling about the few beers I had. It was a turn in my gut and I knew I didn’t want to drink again. I went and grabbed the A.A. pamphlets from my roommate’s room, which I had given them after my mom gave them to me. The next day I started to think. My mind was somewhat clear and as I sat outside on the backyard I heard a voice in my head. It said my name “Pete” and there were four or more of them and they came rushing from the back of my head and then disappeared. I then went and called my mom in Florida. I asked to speak to my stepdad who I knew was an alcoholic. I told him that I was an alcoholic and that I was going to start going to A.A. meetings. I had a moment of clarity. I thought of an old love from highschool and felt an overwhelming sense of love. The next day my mom drove up to see me for the week and she took me to A.A. meetings every day.

2009-08-19T08:18:00.000-07:00

In response to How Can We Get Them To Understand? By Overcoming Schizophrenia Blog “some people do not think mental illness exists”. I like this response…

Anonymous:

In response to Sandy's comment, I would refer her to look up CIT Training (Crisis Intervention Team). Palm Beach County, FL, now has over 800 CIT trained officers and first responders and it makes a big difference for people with mental illness in crisis. CIT officers are able to diffuse escalating situations and people are either taken to mental health facilities where they can get the help they need or calmed down -- not taken to jail where they don't belong! I would like to ask Sandy if she thinks people with mental illness should be in jail or in a hospital? Education is the key to overcoming ignorance.

…The same thing happened with Fight Club, an extremely violent film that, as I discovered, is not actually about violence at all. What finally did it for me was South Park, whose purpose seems to be to demonstrate that profanity, violence and perversion are out of control in American popular culture. (I have to look away from most violence I see. However the other option is just accepting it, but id rather not.)

- BEING CRAZY IS NOISY – being forced to draw

- Cool animation type mental health break

- Dualism Nondualism may be viewed as the understanding or belief that dualism or dichotomy are illusory phenomena. Examples of dualisms include self/other, mind/body, male/female, good/evil, active/passive, dualism/nondualism and many others. My idea: yin and yang.

On Means: Eckhart Tolle to Gandhi to Tolle – some good spirituality

Psiplex said... This really struck a chord. Focused attention on the NOW, for me, always brings in a sense of gratefulness and thanks. It is cascading feeling that magnifies the beauty of the moment and each miracle of awareness. If it s flower, the beautiful expanse of a cloudless sky, the chirping of a bird (<-- psychosis for me when I am psychotic)

Ramana Maharshi: to checkout

Best Porn Name: Magic Johnson

Ep 2

I remember drinking at my friend’s house in Fairfax. When my friends Jesse and Ashley showed up and asked me if I wanted to join them at some parties. We walked out to their cars- they both drive mustangs and then they had a handle in their trunk so I started to drink there. They then drove me to another party where we brought in a handle of Jack Daniels and started to play drinking games with one-another. It turns out that these kids went to Harvard. After drinking there we then drove off again to another party. This time it was in a desolate house in the dark and we drove into the backyard where there was a bonfire. Everyone’s cars were parked out beside the fire and we started to drink there. Their cars were open and blasting Pantera because Dimebag Darrell had just passed away. It turns out my brother was there. I then remember tripping and falling into the fire, my brother grabbing me, and then I blacked out. The next morning I woke up in my bed and I pulled the covers down and I was covered in black soot and I smelled like a bonfire. I then puked and had a headache.

2009-08-18T11:40:00.000-07:00

Tracy Morgan plays lee john James Jacob Jackson in First Sunday with Ice Cube. Hell of a name!

If you had the choice… would you rather be paranoid schizophrenic or schizoaffective the depressive type?

I know schizoaffective disorder is worse off than bipolar disorder. Watch this:

I just learned that you can have psychosis with any type of mental illness. (Knowing bipolar- disorder.com) After taking a second and thinking about this it makes a lot of sense. Also its important to note “In contemporary culture, the term "psychotic" (or simply "psycho") is often incorrectly used interchangeably with "psychopathic" or "sociopathic", which actually describe a propensity to engage in violently antisocial behaviors and do not usually involve hallucinations or delusions.”

schizophasia, commonly referred to as word salad, is confused, and often repetitious, language that is symptomatic of various mental illnesses. I wonder if this Canadian http://sajitabraham.blogspot.com/ has word salad.

as the Mayo Clinic’s website phrases it: “Not all experts agree that schizoaffective disorder should be treated as a distinct disorder. Some regard the condition simply as schizophrenia with some mood symptoms…”

Schizoaffective disorder appears to be a combination of a thought disorder, mood disorder, and anxiety disorder. – MentalHealth.com

Ep 6 -

I started the day off smoking hukka with friends outside the dormitory at college. We then decided to go to the james river and drink on the island. We took a handle and crossed the bridge to the island. I remember being with a girl from another school who I had hooked up with the night before and I wanted to get with her again. So I started hitting on her. When we reached the island and she wanted nothing to do with me I took the handle and started chugging it. The next thing I remember is I am trying to cross a tiny bridge and I trip. Apparently while I was blacked out my friends had to drag myself puking back across the bridge to the awaiting ambulance. The next thing I remember I am in the hospital bed with a catheter up inside me and me on the IV. Later that day I was released and I walked back to my dorm in hospital booties. When I went to pee for the first week it burned so badly. The ambulance and hospitalization fee was a bout 2 grand.

2009-08-17T13:44:00.000-07:00

ep 9

When I was in my drinking career in high school I went to a party in my old neighborhood CCH. I drove there and followed a friend. I then parked my car down the street and met up with my friends and started to pre-game. I then gave my keys to my friend so I wouldn’t drive that night. We started to drink orange juice and Everclear. Then I remember walking in the party saying high to other people and then I blacked out. The next thing I remember I was in my car right outside the party and one of my friends Eddie was telling me to get out of the car, that’s when I sped off pretty fast. I then remember calling my best friend mike while driving and asking him how he was doing and telling him what I was doing. The next thing I remember was breaking into a window halfway in and halfway out at my old friends house Ryan. (it turns out the woman in Ryan’s house was in the military and had a gun wasn’t home) After that I blacked out again and remember waking up in the basement, then my mom calls me on the phone. As I walk outside the house she says, “Where are you!!!! What are you doing!!! Don’t go anywhere the cops are coming for you. I was still heavily drunk so I walk out to my car, which is out on the street (they had to tow it from a neighbors driveway) and sat in it. Then the first cop car came and the lady officer said I still reeked of alcohol and then I noticed a cut on my arm. I then went home, puked, and had a major headache. I went to court and received “trespassing” probation for a year and 40 hours of community service. My name was in the papers under local crime.

I recently have been looking on the internet about storys with Schizoaffective and I came across Intrusive thoughts. I have had some trouble dealing with these. However, my spiritual readings have helped my deal with them. Like instead of avoiding thoughts move to a new thought.

Inappropriate sexual thoughts

Sexual obsessions involve intrusive thoughts or images of "kissing, touching, fondling, oral sex, anal sex, intercourse, and rape" with "strangers, acquaintances, parents, children, family members, friends, coworkers, animals and religious figures", involving "heterosexual or homosexual content" with persons of any age.

vlink MTV True Life: I Have Schizophrenia

A personal story in the experience: I Have Schizoaffective Disorder

50 Ways To Kill Your Ego

2009-08-16T18:36:00.000-07:00

Gaining-insight.com – an examination of the relationship between schizophrenia and stigma. Art work and audio clips.

Lack of insight - Not denial. Schizophrenia is as real as reality. The psychosis audio clip sounded pretty real.

- Gainging insight - Psychosis

The morning and guilt are spot on.

- Gaining insight - Coping

Recovery is the light at the end of the tunnel. Exactly!

Medications- Lithium

One of the drugs most widely known for its treatment in bipolar disorder (it can also be used in the treatment of schizoaffective disorder) is lithium. Personally, I was tried on lithium and hated it with a passion, as have so many others I have spoken to. However, it works extremely well in some individuals and since I will be posting articles about other drugs used to treat our conditions I have to include lithium.

WHAT ARE THE SYMPTOMS OF PSYCHOSIS? Howtodeal with Psychosis

In mild to moderate psychosis the hallucinations can be things like seeing “something” out of the corner of your eye (visual), though it disappears when you try to look directly at it
(– this is what it was like when I was on pcp)

Global Assessment of Functioning Scale. Link.

91-100

Superior functioning in a wide range of activities, life's problems never seem to get out of hand, is sought out by others because of his or her many positive qualities. No symptoms

81-90 - (What I think I am.)

Absent or minimal symptoms ( e.g., mild anxiety before an exam ), good functioning in all areas, interested and involved in a wide range of activities, socially effective, generally satisfied with life, no more than everyday problems or concerns ( e.g., an occasional argument with family members )

51-60 - (what i might be...)

Moderate symptoms ( e.g., flat affect and circumstantial speech, occasional panic attacks ) OR moderate difficulty in social, occupational, or school functioning ( e.g., few friends, conflicts with peers or co-workers ).

In a study in “Predicting the "revolving door" phenomenon among patients with schizophrenic, schizoaffective, and affective disorders” concludes:
A lcohol/drug problems and noncompliance withmedication were the most important factors related to frequency ofhospitalization. Preventing these behaviors through patient education mayreduce rehospitalization rates.

Melinda’s story

...I thought both of them were attacking me for some kind of retribution. There was alot of stuff in my head at this time and it was very complicated. I believed so many things at once. I had a strong belief that my neighbors in my apartment building were involved. I even knocked on one of their doors one night, thankfully no one answered. I don't know what I would have said. I would have probably begged them to leave me alone. (this almost reminds me of a blackout episode when I broke into my friends old house)

I thought my brothers and sisters were in their apartment, along with my ex-boyfriend and his wife. I heard their voices all the time. (This reminds me of when smoking weed I thought my friends were conspiring against me)

Schizophrenia & Natural Remedies

Withdrawing Safely from Psychiatric Drugs

Definition of schizoaffective:

Schizoaffective disorder is a psychiatric diagnosis that describes a mental disorder characterized by recurring episodes of mood disorder and psychosis. Distortions in perception alternate with and occur simultaneously with elevated or depressed mood. These perceptual disortions may affect all five senses, including sight, hearing, taste, smell and touch, but most commonly manifest as auditory hallucinations, paranoid or bizarre delusions, or disorganized speech and thinking Cot damn this sounds crazy to me!

As a group, people with schizoaffective disorder have a more favorable prognosis than people with schizophrenia, but a worse prognosis than those with mood disorders.

2009-08-15T13:25:00.000-07:00

Have you ever noticed how young children begin most of their sentences with the word “why?” “Why is the sky blue? Why are we going to church? Why do I have to go to school?” “Why, why, why” we hear until even the best parents one day lose their patience and say, “Because I said so, that’s why.” At that moment, the child’s cosmic world of psychedelic thinking begins to grow smaller. Culture has reared its ugly head, and another young human mind has learned that the best way to get along is to go along with the herd.

Today I just said this to my niece.

psychedelicadventure.emerging-neo-human-consciousness

"Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration/” –Thomas edison

This quote is important to me because it reminds me of the time I asked my step-father what "Time is money" meant to him. Work, is what he said; "My father was a judge and doing what your supposed to be doing on the job is what is right and fair." I find this pertains to everyday life if you accept whatever it is your supposed to be doing.

Empty your mind, be formless, shapeless — like water. Now you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup; You put water into a bottle it becomes the bottle; You put it in a teapot it becomes the teapot. Water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend.

- bruce lee

With manic depression, with any mental illness, it is so out of your control that you are often completely at the mercy of It.

-thesecretlifeofamanicdepressive.the-real-and-true-story-of-what-led-to-my-hospitalisation/

Sometimes I doubt I have this illness at all because it shakes me so to the core, it seems cruel and impossible for an illness to wreak such hell. Sometimes I cannot conceive that a mental illness can do this to a person, destroy their mind, break down their self-esteem, erode everything they hold dear; their love, their friendship, their ambitions. A simple wish to be happy and to be happy like people are happy, because nice things happen, because the world is beautiful.

- http://thesecretlifeofamanicdepressive.wordpress.com/2007/08/01/mixed-episode/

And though it seems heaven-sent
We ain't ready, to have a black President,
It ain't a secret don't conceal the fact
The penitentiary's packed, and it's filled with blacks

- 2pac

The Heart of Schizoaffective Disorder

...Another example: In his first meeting with the staff, a new boss described the absurdity of a person with schizophrenia running for mayor in another city.

"He even has a collection of cans," the boss said, laughing. I was appalled. Shortly afterward, I started collecting cans on my desk until it overflowed with them. Of course, nobody noticed. I laughed quietly to myself.

- this seems like something I would do.

In the First Person: Voices in His Head

There's gon' be some stuff you gon' see
that's gon' make it hard to smile in the future.
But through whatever you see,
through all the rain and the pain,
you gotta keep your sense of humor.
You gotta be able to smile through all this bullshit.

- Tupac

2pac videos i love the gfunk synths in most of his music.

vlink - Schizophrenia (Living with the voices)

Harry Potter

Hermione: [in reference to Harry hearing the voice in the corridor] It's a bit strange, isn't it?

Harry: Strange?

Hermione: You hear this voice - a voice only you can hear. And then Mrs. Norris turns up petrified? It's just strange.

Harry: Do you think I should have told them then? Dumbledore and the others, I mean.

Ron: Are you mad?

Hermione: No, Harry. Even in the wizarding world, hearing voices isn’t a good thing.

Man in Portrait: She's right, you know.

First, John describes having symptoms at a young age. Most "experts" say that the onset of schizophrenia and other mental illnesses begins when people are in their teens and 20s. I question that.

- Being Crazy is Noisy

5. Accept that there are some things you can’t do and reduce your stress levels. Stress is a MAJOR trigger for an episode.

- 10 Habits To Develop

- Be open and honest with your doctor as well as your family and friends. (All this honesty is tiring. What do schizoaffective people have to be the most Honest people on the face of the planet?)

- Educate yourself about your disorder, how to identify triggers, different medications and therapy. Knowledge is a weapon. (awesome!)

- Exercise regularly and maintain a healthy diet.

I never work out and seldom eat healthy
I look to my peers, and some of them do help me
It takes years to master the mind and body
To never pass my prime – Grouch

- Ask for help when you need it, or accept help from those who offer if you need it. (What do schizoaffective people have to be the most accepting and humility?)

- Join a support group and talk to others who understand what you are going through. (I like this)

- Ensure your medications and blood levels are up to date. Often you can develop a tolerance to medication or your blood level can fluctuate so it’s important to be checked regularly (im sick of getting my blood taken)

10 Tips To Help You Manage Your Illness

2009-08-11T12:35:00.000-07:00

Ep. #10

I started out the day ready to go to class when I was preparing to turn in my paper at the writing lab my classmate and friend told me about a concert he had tickets to. I convinced him to go and on the way down he was introducing me to the band we were about to see Minus the Bear, a rock band from Seattle.

And I saw me playing as the Minus the Bear band. I was each band member. They all synchronized in their idiosyncratic dancing w/ guitar. It seemed like everyone was standing still like zombies. I dont' know. But the experience was... well... a Revelation if not 'Revolution' in some sort. Because I am a troubled addict.

The first joint we split on the way to the concert left me feeling relaxed. Although I told Pete I was bipolar, Pete related with me and told me about his friend who when smoked weed, had an episode and kidnapped a girl. Although I have recently succumbed to my addiction to drugs and on top of that I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I understand Transactional Communication (TC) involves everyone sending and receiving. This is very true to the concert we went to, called "Revolution" in Ft. Lauderdale. The crowd communicates with the crowd and then there is the band and crowd. That Monday night, at the concert, they were all communicating with me.

In the begging of the night me and my friend Pete, who was a musician. Likewise we both had a lot of music technicality, musicality and things to say. We were on the balcony trying to yell down to the other musicians. As the show went on we noticed some musicianship that we hadn't need discuss. As from the amount of time we have spent playing music together, we subconsciously new what was happening, and that we were both having a good time. Eventually the main act came on and so we both shared a joint.

Being bipolar, the grass made me a little introspective and manic. A few things were on my mind, 1) watching a good show, 2) finding some girls, and 3) having a good time. I made my way down stage level, stage left, where there were the most girls populated and stood to enjoy the show. As my mind drifted in and out of control there was one thing that didn't stop, the Simultaneous communication. To explain what goes on inside my brain are first the symptoms of pot; elated, relaxed, grandiose, and introspective thoughts. Secondly, the manic forms which bring about irritability, distraction, short-term memory loss, and paranoia. I was feeling the groove, talking with myself, others, and the band, who all looked like me.

There is no doubt that smoking makes me hallucinate and even worse, psychosis. This rock band were different ages of me, if I had been performing and saw myself in the 3rd person. It was a trip to watch, to say the least, because each musician would move back and forth, dancing melodically and idiosyncratically with one another.

This concert was a stand around kind of thing. People just stood like zombies. The lyrics changed from happy and if i tried to think happier it got really elated climaxing in a big Drum solo with strobe flashing behind the drummer. I can't turn to see anyone's face. The whole crowd is equally spaced as I look on from a-far. Either I saw a persons face and it was my friend, or I looked and they turned or I heard chatter about me, Paranoia. This wasn't good when I focused back to the music, they would be playing the bridge to some line about, Negative or pessimistic worrisome lyrics. Some would call these lyrics emotional. Picture these words sung to you with some strange green light: And its almost split the side of my brain if I focus too much on the people, music, where I should be, I get stiff.

Partly amazed, in a daze, hallucinating, inter-rumbling (subconscious tightening of suboccipital muscles causing a crepitus in the atlanto-occipital cartilage or simple awareness of a bruit in the artery).

The two sided dialogue kept me in trance. Almost mixed-mania type schizo-effective. I can only focus on only one thing at a time. The movements white/rock dancing- or quickly I soon am run over by the melodic bass-line. I close my eyes to feel the music scale my toes to my cerebellum. Then all of a sudden a bright light always transient but I mean strobe-light. Bright flat in-front of my face. No doubt these were sources of external noise and internal.

All I remember is blacking out partially throughout the night and unconsciously sneaking into the theater seating balcony. After being kicked out I then found some friends and we left and all the way throughout the crowd I had to force my way through. It was almost as if the zombies wanted to make me late for something. This noise, "loud people in crowded places" is one exact term I read from your TC essay. The noise inner and outer led me to have a hell of a night.

Now I can sense my balls and then make a decision to move froward. Whats needed to be noted is here- I have embellished a personality quiet, studious, spiritual, calm. This gets me blue balls. No I get hyper sexuality. And curiosity, so I am split. It seems I could talk to myself on this high and I was cynical, or skeptical, fearful, or arrogant, or unpleasant, and sometimes peaceful. Thinking back egotistical? of coarse. But see this: When I am high, I can bad trip or good trip, or both in a hole of one. However, everyone feels the need to feel. To sparkle, to find some purpose they lack. Girls and I are fond of one another, but my petty problems get in the way. After taking Speech Comm. I learned to burn my fears "up in smoke." I think this has helped me a lot

2009-08-09T14:20:00.000-07:00

This too shall pass

Some people say Life is the opposite of Death but that’s not right. Birth is the opposite of Death. Life has no opposite.

Abundance comes from within

Awakened doing: Acceptance, Enjoyment (higher vibrational frequency), enthusiasm

Be here Be now.

Be the change you want to see in the world. – Ghandi

Be still and know that I am God.

Be the awareness in space. A sense of presence.

You can only be aware of the silence by being still.

Higher Consciousness – Inner space - Vibrational frequency

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

The joy of being comes from within

Perceive without naming.

Knowing yourself is being yourself fully.

The war against anything cannot win. The war or Terror, the war on poverty, the war on drugs.

One conscious breath is enough to make some space where before there was the uninterrupted succession of one thought after another.

Audio Meditations

http://www.oprah.com/obc_classic/webcast/archive/archive_download.jsp

breathwork

http://www.whiterosecenter.com/6.html

Breath excercises

http://www.beliefnet.com/Health/2000/09/A-Breathing-Exercise-And-Calm-Waters.aspx

2009-08-04T14:48:00.000-07:00

Things to ask self: am I still breathing? What is my relationship with the present moment? Who am I? Can I be the space for this situation?

Look at things without mental labeling them.

See if you can feel the inner aliveness inside of your body. You can feel that there is an aliveness in every cell of the body.

Change can only begin with yourself

Be there as a conscious space of presence not wanting to do anything for another person.

I choose. Now moN.

The kingdom of heaven is within. - Jesus

Past Present and Future are all a state of mind, Reality is there happening at the same time.

Purpose of Life is a Life of Purpose.

What you fight you strengthen and what your resist persists.

Don’t move away from negative thinking. Instead move to a positive thought.

Oprah and Eckhart’s A new earth web class http://www.oprah.com/obc_classic/webcast/archive/archive_watchnow.jsp

CHAPTER 5 The Pain Body

The greatest part of most people's thinking is "involuntary, automatic, and repetitive It is no more than a kind of mental static and fulfills no real purpose. Strictly speaking, you don't think: Thinking happens to you. The statement 'I think' implies volition," "It implies that you have a say in the matter, that there's a voice involved on your part." "'I think' is just a false statement as 'I digest' or 'I circulate my blood.' Digestion happens, circulation happens, thinking happens."

So the most important step in any point of awakening is to realize that there is a voice in the head that doesn't stop speaking.

Many people are so attached to the past that they carry a burden, like carrying a huge sack on your back, a burden.

So first realization is that there is something in me that seeks unhappiness, that seeks unpleasant experiences, that seeks more negativity because it feeds on those things.

Forgive them for they know not what they do – jesus

When you marry someone, you marry their pain body.

Suffering will wake you up.

Don’t feed your pain body.

Eckhart Tolle - The Flowering of Human Consciousness - CD1

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=2546949894540352546&ei=fDh3SrjyM6XmqAKXqfyWDw&q=eckhart+tolle&hl=en

Conscious Breath - Practice 3 times a day.

http://www.breathinglessons.net/breaths/breath1.php

Spiritual Chat Room

http://www.thegodlight.co.uk/GOD6.htm

World Clock

http://www.timeanddate.com/worldclock/

2009-07-29T13:11:00.000-07:00

I cannot go home for summer break. I have no place to stay. My family isn’t talking to each other and they say it’s a bad time to come visit. I don’t know if things will ever be right. My brother only has one bedroom so I have no place else to stay. I am missing my friends! However I realize the collective consciousness is ego and thought-based so I choose to stay in field of moment.

I am now on step 8 in A.A. and I am one class away from finishing my Nami Peer-to-Peer Group. I learned that having an episode in mental illness is a catastrophe and can cause much grief. I also learned mindfulness that I can use as spirituality.

2009-05-30T21:26:00.000-07:00

Two cool things happened to me.

1) I reached a higher register in my voice. I can now sing without cracking my voice! This is so exciting. I noticed when I was in the kitchen talking and some kinda wierd snap crackle pop happened in my larynx.

2)Also I have started peer-to-peer. A catastrophe recovery for mental illness. They said stigma = shame. I shared that I thought inside mental health advocacy groups there was a substantial growth since years ago but the Ignorance outside facilitys was just as bad.

2009-05-10T13:26:00.000-07:00

When you are feeling up, do you have this feeling that you will always be up? Like you can take on the world or at least paint an entire room?

I remember as a youth having lots of endorphins and running all over this park, but I dont excercise much anymore and rarely get that. Whenever I feel up I get the feeling that it wont last long, but thats pessimism and I try to stay away from that.

I don't know how we can feel up and down at the same time. It's weird.

Its called a Mixed episode. And I have experienced them one after another in split seconds. The feeling of a flash of deep depression doesn't go away right after you have it... it kinda dissipates. Then I jump right into racing thoughts, mania, etc.

Hallucinations

Just the other day in a meeting I felt this womans eyes popped in the back of her head, but this was just a dellusion. However when I was psychotic I remember seeing a crowd of people at the concert turn to me when I looked at them and they were all someone I knew.

2009-05-02T13:00:00.000-07:00

What its really like to be Schizophrenic.

scroll down to see the video simulation...

Update: Another video of a schizophrenic bus ride

I think the voices are too many for just a prescription fill up. But I have experienced about that many voices when at the Dmv.

Just a few days ago I spoke and answered questons for some parents at Nami. They asked me things like "do you get annoyed by your parents asking to take your meds?" "How do you feel about taking your meds?" and "Can you see through the people who you are talking to because of you illness?"

And then me and my mom watched Frontline "The released" on Pbs

"I believe your Program would have been more useful if it had a solution at the end. The program they presented just promoted the feeling of hopelessness that is associated with mental illness. The solution is eliminating stigma by education/ early detection and treatment, and support from family and community. And then successful recovery is possible."

Psychosis is toxic to the brain

People with schizoaffective disorder generally have a better outlook than those with schizophrenia, and worse than those with bipolar disorder.

No one knows where the vunrability comes from but what we want to do is reduce stress.

Negative comments and little critisim seem more acutely sensitive to mentally ill.

2009-04-01T14:29:00.000-07:00

Today I did my second presentation about my disease (Diss-ease). This was the first one since becoming recently diagnosed with schizoaffective. I opened with the auditory simulation from the Schizophrenia explained video which starts at 12:30.
many kids liked it including the teacher really liked it, one student wrote me a letter that he too was bipolar and another girl told me she had an alcoholic father. I felt very good to spread my message.

- that the disease does not define who the person is.

It turns that my THL levels are high so I have low thyroid levels making me sluggish. My friend sent me this amazing article about depression and how his faith helps him out. Here.

This is similar to the group study i am participating in that discusses scientific Prayer. I feel grateful to be schizoaffective today as I am able to help others and given a second chance at life.

My pdoc said that it was good that I had no symptoms for three months.
The diagnosis of a person with schizophrenia or mood disorder may change later to that of schizoaffective disorder, or vice versa.” (NAMI)

Some words that bless my soul are for alcoholism a crack lady once said "I need to find the light. Come from the dark to the light." And it is so abstact that I can understand it clearly.Also Krs-1 said "Past Present and Future are all a state of mind, reality is there happening at the same time."

Treatments

2009-03-14T14:34:00.001-07:00

VIEW

Schizoaffective Disorder, a conditiion originally described in the 1940s.
It was originally conceived as a third, independent entity alongside schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. Its course is intermediary and considered to be more favorable than schizophrenia. .Some have suggested that schizoaffective disorder, depressive subtype, resembles more schizophrenia in course and treatment while schizoaffective disorder, manic subtype, is more like a bipolar disorder over time.

Over time diagnosis can change from, to, and back again. I am currently Bipolar type and I like it that way.

Use of street drugs (including LSD, methamphetamine and marijuana/hash/cannabis) has been linked with significantly increased probability of developing schizophrenia spectrum disorders (of which schizoaffective disorder is part) in over 30 scientific studies over the past 20 years.

I cant use marijuana without having psychedelic psychosis. It starts chill and then drops off to Dementia.

Schizoaffective Case-study -

"her family reports that she had been dancing, singing loudly, and reciting the Bible at the dinner table."

I like this case-study because its funny and the Woman has my same type of diagnosis.

I've had mixed episodes. An agitated depression is a "major depressive [episode] with superimposed hypomanic symptoms" And A dysphoric mania consists of a manic episode with depressive symptoms with persecutory delusions, racing thoughts, restlessness. Its hard to describe but I see-sawed between feeling perfectly normal (except thoughts) and then suddenly a deep blanket of depression falls on me.

To all the family:

Stop trying to fix me because you cant!!

love us, be there for us, but stop trying to fix us.

Don't take advantage of us. We are Very Very sensitive.

To get educated. Read Kaye redfield jamesons

It doesn't mean we're insane, flying off the handle type of people.

2009-02-28T18:53:00.000-08:00

i just created my own radio station to the music that i particually like. Now if i had a list, there wouldn't be enough room. I mean... I had to interupt myself because I thought of a new genre or type o' musica. Psychobilly. Yeah, thats right. I like my rockabilly punk style. I'm sick of all this riff-raff writing blog. i Feel like bob, a wet dog waiting to be taken out back. I need to work on some songs and start playing acoustically. Though i still need much practice. I can say though, after hard work creating this new station "Gods Radio" I am content typing right now. The psychobilly is kicking in and its murderous. I feel like growin a mohawk as we speak and so on... No one can ever understand the way i feel about music. I have to be right in the middle of it. If you don't understand me heres a list of musical terms. Pandora index of musical terms

excuse myself i had to jam with the infectious Rob Tognoni his hammer ons and pull-offs are right on. I need to strengthin my fingers. My radio im listening to plays one genre/seed for 4 or 5 songs. Right now is still pysychobilly, with exception of that one blues rock song.

A description of this radio:

Gods of World, soul, folk, rnb which spawned rock, mellow rock. blues which spawned jazz. Pyschedelic, Classical, Rap, "Toasting" aKa Street Poets, flamenco, Dub, Country, House, psychobilly, political, breakbeat rhythms, eastern european influences, Drum n Bass, Ambient, New Age, Ska, electronica roots, downtempo, indie, punk, metal, grunge, funk, go-go, Jam bands... the list grows

ooh and the reggae just came on! awesome.

god's radio

In other news, in 3 days I will have 30 days sober. I got a new home group. I will be leading a meeting in a few weeks, bringing a speaker (probably my stepfather).

2009-02-27T09:15:00.000-08:00

There is only one true time where consciousness exist in and that is now. You are more than just the particular person that you are. You are the entire universe itself. Imagine playing a particular character and filming yourself, and then reversing the film and playing a different character. Superimpose the film of the first character with the second and you’ll get the effect of two characters in one film. That is how two of you exist at the same time.

Wherever You Are is The Center of The Universe

2009-02-17T17:19:00.000-08:00

After searching for vinyl podcast radio I found Chillhouse.net, which led me to roadside picnic, which led me to the "Sublime Solemn_Nostalgia. An ocean of static, a desert of sound"

Each installment has a somewhat melancholy-sounding theme, but I’ve so far found this to be the ideal multi-purpose station. It’s marvelous for letting the sound flood and take over just as well as having it as low ambience while painting, writing, reading, or whatever sinister activity you choose to engage in. I suggest you try the former, first.

roadsidepicnic.com

it connected to me on a couple levels

2009-02-12T19:47:00.000-08:00

For a year I've been a book study group with a lot of people from A.A. and my parents.
We all have a great time and learn a lot.

1) Sermon on the mount
2) Basic Principles of The Science of Mind...

2009-01-22T09:50:00.000-08:00

{my theme song when i feel good is James Brown - I feel good}

Schizophrenia Explained:

2009-01-16T16:44:00.000-08:00

2009-01-16T16:13:00.000-08:00

Nami -

Antipsychotics help relieve the positive symptoms of schizophrenia by helping to correct an imbalance in the chemicals that enable brain cells to communicate with each other.

I have heard to believe that the imbalance of brain cells kills them and damages the brain. Thus, while being in an episode, brain damage is taken place. I haven't found this in writing but I have heard this is true anonymously. I actually heard my mother on the phone with a patient. She is on the board for Nami and she was returning this womans call who (i overheard) *has a son, 21, in psychosis physically harming his mother. This has become a catalyst in my mind not to smoke the rest of this G i bought over Christmas break.

Nami-1

2009-01-15T16:52:00.000-08:00

I had a dream after watching half-baked and eating special brownies the dream was a complete song, called you can do what you gotta do, you gotta do what you can do...' or something like it. You can appreciate the things you gotta do, I appreciate the things you do and say. It got lost in translation.

Recently attending A.a. meetings in Virginia the topic of expectations came up and I had already that week to consider the word. It was advice given me not to expect much from my family for help to consider, but after not judging I came to realize whom, what, who to expect from. Durring the meeting people shared about their friends, roomates, mother and father and the expecatations. My mind fell on the meaning of A.A. and I shared
"To me, I expect if I come to A.A. i will get sober, I expect if I get a sponser and work the steps I can live a sober life."
I still think I need to hear that message everytime I go. A.a. Steps, Unity, and sobriety are the only way.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cannabis / Marijuana (and other street drugs) Have Been Linked to Significant Increases in a Person's Risk for Schizophrenia

Helpful Actions: Do not use even small amounts of cannabis if you have any family history of mental illness, have had an episode of paranoid thinking or hearing voices or had a bad response when first using cannabis or when using a small amount.

I 've defenitly had an episode of paranoia from smoking weed. But isn't that a generic side effect? Still, these are only "helpful actions to avoid Schizophrenia." I have been using marijuana since Christmas break, but i am thinking about stopping.

Marijane - Schizo

2009-01-09T20:46:00.000-08:00

How to act, think, behave, percieve... for me:

Bipolar -> Schizo-affective (ME) -> Schizophrenia

I am addicted to most anything I can think of, or become aware of. My addiction to alcohol is really any substitute. I know awareness is key. The key to resposibility. Responcible to my rights. Fight for my right. My goal? What is my goal? I know my mother and fathers life. I can see my lifestyle of friends and loved ones. What I am to do. Where am I to travel.

Respond
action
adult-hood
psychological (cognotive)
conscious
courageos
selfless
think before i act
not take drugs
work is all we do
do something nice for others

React
my two past hospital ward roomates
(talking to self, not accepting life.)
irresponsible
black-out (drink and drive, take a life)
psychosis
unconscous
selfish
consume (marijuana, addictive personality)

still i get my kicks from jay lenno who performed his chin all across my family's funny bone, fans of my grandparents. But I am 21, my friends are out at parties. My friends are living it up as it seems, while I enjoy staying in I am on the verge of motivating myself to become something more. Like i've said I want to help others. I need to start. I got a letter back from my friend in Prison he seems glad that I was still aware of him. I'm glad I got to him, I have talked to my friend about writing him too. I love weed, I love the smell of it, the taste of it. I cannot help it. mmm. Pinapple express intro, loved it.

2008-12-21T19:46:00.000-08:00

I happy I am content.

I want free text. Free context.

Love is good.

Enviromental Causes: "It is important for people with schizoaffective disorder
to live in an environment with a low degree of stress and to monitor the types
of stress that cause relapses.1"

to me this means, no outrageous parties, no wild antics. a sober less than somber lifestyle.

Complications: People with schizoaffective disorder are at an increased risk of:
Developing schizophrenia 2

1) ReThink Mental illness

2) Mayo Clinic

2008-12-10T19:21:00.001-08:00

I'm starting step one, meditation, and knowledge.

I want to be an advocate.

I want to take it easy, my first week out the hospital, but i will have to make up my classes.

I learn about my Dis Ease and learn to be an "adult" respond instead of react.

Be conscious of my addiction. Sobriety date: 11/9/08

Lifes an act.

2008-12-06T14:32:00.000-08:00

Whats the difference between human and animal?
whats the difference between their personality
My cat gets irritated and pissed easily
but my dog is sweet and endlessly needy x2

Why can't they think positive?
They do have emotions
They don't have a conscious?

Yes. It's not the consciousness that's different. It's what the consciousness is conscious of.

2008-12-05T15:48:00.001-08:00

I think अ लोट गोएस इन्तो थे तितले ऑफ़ माय ब्लॉग होवेवर... जुस्त अस थे बेऔतिफुल मारिया एंड कोउन्त्लेस ओठेर्स, I ऍम जुस्त पते.

2008-12-05T15:00:00.000-08:00

I was just diagnosed this week with Shitso affective after a year and some of being Bipolar. Its hard to describe it all. My only friend around the time was my mother. And starting out was hard... then I relapsed and things got worse. The hospital this week i roomed with a bipolar guy who was in complete denial / dellusional.

Its a sad way to end up... I am so addictive and self destructive. But being locked up for a week volentaraly helped me realize the bipolar and schizo. I was able to take the voices and respond rather than react... I know there are residual symptoms but I pray to got, that I dont have shizo-depression or strait schizophrenia. Or that personality disorder that people are dislexic and ignorant mixing the two different desieases...

2008-11-23T05:49:00.000-08:00

I am a sensitive guy and lately with my bipolar I've been mixed episode. Manic and Depressive.

but I hear from my father "Love you too"
and my mother "I love you"
and my brother gives me a big hug.

I cant feel more love than that.

I can sit in a room with crowded people
and then I just stand there talking lonely to myself.
We know when what we think is different from what we hear.
but not I.
I never know when many things grow.
but I know love does.

I read a lot of these spiritual books my mom gets. This particular one asked me to ask questions like "How can I be afriad?" And that life is like looking our reflection on a window in the sun; We can choose to look inside. I was afraid of a dream I had in which I woke up as I was about to hang myself. I fell almost into a depression. Over this and other negative stressors in my life.(school, girls, and loneliness) This I asked "How can I be afraid?" The answer being... I dont like violence... My friend had hung herself last month.
RIP.
ISABEL

i love you and may the view from heaven beat the hell out of the view from here.

...and horror in the media and life these days and I need to be free from it. Watch more kung-fu movies.

On a lighter note.. I had a dream that I was Peter Tosh and I was crying and Hugging James Brown and we were singing Steppin Razor or Johnny be Goode.

2008-11-19T07:12:00.000-08:00

Where i am:

scared.

Lonely, thats what i've been...
Im afriad. Im lonely. Im alone. ALONE. Its like thisz: I feel this repeat of pain. I hurt. and it hurts. I can't breathe. My body is emotional, and my mind is a physical wasteland. I am gone. I am on the verge. Forgetting and Begetting silence. An Old dirty frivolous bastard. Trapped inside, nothingness. Tank empty. No fuel. No nothing? I am a stranger. I am not permanent. I am just visiting. Depression. Manic Depression's touching my soul. Crushing sweet music. I wish I could caress a kiss. A touch. My finger. My fingers. Break my Neck. KILL KILL KILL. FUCK CANCER. love jesus. WHO? WWJD? Who would jesus do. Ask your nearest politician. Would Jesus VOTE? Consiousness be damned in a society insane.

"Even the smallest act of kindness will not go unnoticed." Aesop

Why must i feel this way?

pDoc: w/ all these hallucinations and mixed episodes I cannot rule out schizo-effective.

of coarse I would have the bipolar version. However, I have history of family depression.

NotoriousLiz: "we have to think positive."

I woke up with a noose around my neck, in my dream. I have a dream.

Tdoc: "Dreams are only dreams. You're not alone. Literally, I am in the room with you."

2008-11-13T08:10:00.000-08:00

"As for me, you must know I shouldn't precisely have chosen madness if there had been any choice. What consoles me is that I am beginning to consider madness as an illness like any other, and I accept it as such. - Vincent Van Gogh, 1889

i am taking abilify for my voices. Lets listen to what I "hear" durring algebra class.

The paranoia lists as follows:

See he's very smart
he thinks - he's very artistic
(every cough or moan is a sign to me)
he's scared
he's concentrating
is he mind testing
I think so
Listen to our notes
X I need a girl
"ugh'"
he's on a role
look at him
making faces
"peter"

what'd you say
see he think
peter is talking
" wants sex
look at that
take that
pete

he knew it was
shut up
you know know (FUCK PLEASE STOP- me)
sit in the back of the class
he's still writing
trio (NO.)
damn u
shoulda got
me do it
(thank god) oh
he forgot for a second
"Peter!"
wana fuck me

i heard today, "Life is about the journey, not the destination."

I took drugs and it increased my mania. The more and more brought on psychosis. I heard voices.

2008-11-11T14:11:00.000-08:00

Im ready to make a change volunteer. Yes I can.

Palin is an embarassment to women in high positions. She set women back a few decades.

SARAH LOUISE HEATH PALIN
Education:
1978-1982: Wasilla High School, diploma, 2.2 GPA
1982: Hawaii Pacific College (dropped out)
1983: North Idaho Community College (dropped out)
1984-1985: University of Idaho (dropped out)
1985: Matanuska-Susitna Community College, AK (dropped out)
1986-1987: University of Idaho, BA Communications

Also, don't forget to add that in 1982, Palin enrolled at University of Hawaii Hilo and dropped out there before heading off to Hawaii Pacific College.

2008-11-05T19:31:00.000-08:00

If you dont believe im serious. Then read this:

I believe there is a strong possibility that Kurt would have taken his life no matter what he chose as his career. His risk was very high: untreated bipolar disorder, drug addiction, prior suicides of family members, alcohol, violence and unpredictability in his childhood, poor self-esteem,

- Beverly Cobain, a registered nurse who already had 15 years of experience as a mental health professional by then, rededicated her life to teaching and crusading for suicide prevention. Because she had battled depression as a teen, and because it's a leading cause of death in that age group, she chose to focus on adolescent suicide.

2008-11-04T21:43:00.000-08:00

I VOTED

Dear President Obama,

I got teary eyed when Senator Barrack Hussein Obama was elected President of the United States of America. I am ready for this change he says, "Yes I Can." It reminds me of my own personal motto "Do, Can, Be."

Some might say the campaign for "change" was a literal one and godforsaken subconscious one.

Episode #8

I saved myself and came to the rescue, admitting to my mother in aggravation my descent into another episode of mania. I smoke joints at a rock concert with a friend, we decided to skip class and see a "Minus the Bear" -@ Revolution" in Ft. Lauderdale, and saw myself performing a rock concert. Partly amazed, in a daze, hallucinating, inter-rumbling (subconscious tightening of suboccipital muscles causing a crepitus in the atlanto-occipital cartilage or simple awareness of a bruit in the artery).

To explain what goes on inside my brain are first the symptoms of pot; elated, relaxed, grandiose, and introspective thoughts. Secondly, the manic forms which bring about irritability, distraction, short-term memory loss, and paranoia. I was feeling the groove, talking with myself, others, and the band, who all looked like me. The two sided dialoge kept me in trance. Almost mixed-mania type schizo-effective. I can only focus on one thing at a time. The movements white/rock dancing- or quickly I soon am overnoteced by the melodic bass-line.

There is no doubt that smoking makes me hallucinate and even worse, psychosis. This rock band were different ages of me, if I had been performing and saw myself in the 3rd person. It was a trip to watch, to say the least, because each musician would move back and forth, dancing melodically and idiosyncratically with one another. There was a girl paired up with every guy and when I went to the spot in the club with more girls, I tried fighting in. I close my eyes to feel the music scale my toes to my cerebelum. Then all of a sudden a bright light always transient but I mean strobe-light. Bright flat in-front of my face.

This same type of trip happened in amsterdam on my way home from the red light district really- high. Either focused on my the direction home (through the little bridges and crazy-brain sidewalks), or focused on how I was walking... not to trip over a cobblestone- or am I walking strange? Should I extend my leg and wow focus on my breath, inhaling turns the streetsides, sidewalks- looking down at my feet, and vision Pulsate and breathe. Other than that I have tunnel vision.

Back to the Minus the bear show. The band was a stand around kind of thing. People just stood zombie like. The lyrics changed from happy and if i tried to think happier it got really elated climaxing in a big Drumfill- strobe flashing and I can't turn to see anyones face. The whole crowd is equally spaced as I look on from a-far, mainstage right. Either I saw a persons face and it was my friend, or I looked and they turned or I heard chatter about me (Paranoia). This wasn't good when I focused back to the music, they would be playing the bridge to some line about, "Maybe something 'sus' chord, and I hate that-t-t-t" Picture these words sung to you with some strange green light: And its almost split side of my brain if I focus too much on the people, music, where I should be, I get stiff.

I can breezly flow in-and-out of my high. By thinking right brained I am feeling the high vibrations and throughout my body i sense my tip. It tells me I need to spread my seed aka be a man. Men how often to you grab your nuts. Hold them and cherish them. NOTICE THEIR THERE.

So how come when I am waiting for class today I deeply set comfort in my seville, nuttin but' dem' LaCks. (Cadallac SeVille) and meditating I close my eyes and see the same Flashing Lights Bright in front of my face?

Now I can sense my balls and then make a desicion to move fowarad. Whats needed to be noted is here- I have embelleshed a personality queit, studius, spiritual, calm. This gets me nothing. I am not a crack addict (sorry J) that can instantly meet up with a sex-feen, just as an example. No I get hypersexuality. And curiosity, so I am split. It seems I could talk to myself on this high and I was cynical, or skeptical, fearful, or arrogant, or unpleseant, and sometimes peaceful. Thinking back egotistical? of coarse. But see this: When I am high, I can bad trip or good trip, or both in a hole of one. Which I dont like... Questions....

Where do you draw the line:

Curiosity, Mentality, God?, Spirit, Freedom.

What is a factor:

Transactional communication

The band took turns moving and girating in ways I found curious. The Lead singer, was me singing with long hair in my face, I would sing some lines and then swing-a bit in bent halfway over. At times it seems I lost some backbone, but my guitar and voice was safe. Then step back and ooh now I can see the guitarist. A mix between me and my dad, and he's got 4 loop pedals to to create beautiful strange melody's. (Aparently he does pele-esqe guitar tapping.) Oh shit and not to forget the bassist. A skinny verison of me and real young, he seemed pissed when i looked at him. Suffice to say I was in my own head. I started asking questions. About different personality's, God-My band,- how when I moved closer to the stage, people were yelling [PARANOIA] "Yea!" an the crowd out cheer people behind me or out of site yelling "Get on stage" or "I think he gets it" "You're Gay." [[[Mixed Mania Hallucinations]]]

I get to my main spot, on the corner railing, by the bouncer (continually pushing-> Not paranoia, but annoying.) I was also surrounded by 7 to 10 chicks. They stood like trees, I couldnt' comfortably slide in between them sparsely placed. And when I did it just got worse my technical jargon of control my mind state, self-will, mania, versus the ganga, Which could set me in a trance briefly to instantaneosly quick. I would sway feel the drum solo creep from my left hand, sleeve to my shoulders and right hand relase. My right fingers picked out the guitar notes, I could sing along- To my own song." Humming and Mumbling in the back of my throat to my chest with the bass hits and sense the women infront of me and proximity of our breathe and my prick feeling nice in this arena. The band would end songs with 3 second silence in between. Just enough to get cut off while talking to a girlfriend. This girl looked like the mamacita that was so sparce for-save her own qualities. Nice body, cute face, lost along the way somwhere. Just teasing and playing games. Making fuck faces and replacing fear with hate. Maybe she is someone inside of me. I need to help. But it was FUCKING IRRITATTING when I kept Cutting myself off. Okay I got 3-seconds. "how did you like that.... "LALALALAA. I think so since then I know. In my paranoia, the band. of "Me's" would make fun of me and call me out. A loser, your're gay. I later try and think of it .... at the beach with the girls ... still and the next day before class... Gay means HAPPY. It really does. I have to educate myself to be mo consious of my paranoia
(paranoia) simply means madness (para = outside; nous = mind) UFO's Unified Fucking Objects. My friends and me joke "I just wana fuck something."- Guirella Black. Wana be ass B.I.G. Haters.

I have 2 Tests and One paper that I am not going to do tonight. Because I sat here and wrote all this. This useless junxtaposition of My paranoia. Its not homophobia.

The fact that I made my way through the crowd. May I remind you zombie crowd. I stepped into the velvet lounge. Ahh sounds nice doesn't it? Well I am an addict. When I got one thing 1) Weed . I want another 2) Pleasure. This doesn't matter to whom or hwat is in the way. Ya know? My alcoholism- 1) Blackouts 2) Tresspassing. But Bob Marley would say... we want to be free. Where we want to be, I want to be free. So I entertain myself on the top of the Concert hall balcony surrounded by drapes and a probable *click group of people standing in and around me as I face dead straight in the middle leaning over the balcony between a couple and a guy. My Mania ( Elated -> Grandiosity- i watch the band that all looks like me -> Paranoia --> I start to feel the music in me. Swaying ever so briefly, watching the Panoramic vision of 2 MEN pulsate toward me. ONE WORD: "GAY." My Mania ( Paranoia_consists of people calling me a) stupid b) gay. I get frustrated with people I surround myself with. My mom says turn up the commercials, I say 'I hate commercials' I mute them, she says 'Shows back on' I turn off mute. It is a little loud, and she is telling me its way too loud. I am trying to tell her that i am trying to turn it down, the newman is talking shit, and my mom is asking "Please..." politely, [[[Mania- Eritable, Grandiosity']]] I raise my hand and say I am getting this much irritated right now. And its reaching higher and higher.

Symptoms react interchangeably.

Back to the 'night'
I managed to walk my way through the crowd, who seemed so aroused at the fact that a guy wanted to find his woman. Got kicked out off the velvet sweet. Found my friends who sat by us earlier. My right hemisphere was moving and reacting, intaking (information), and relaying. I was communicating for my life. Eh, just to get some ass. Shows ending, finally get them to hey-day-it w/ me and my friend. Who is back waiting at the car. We shuffle through the crowd. Zombie force brutality crowd. After some trippy corners, stairs. Filled to the brim, the short girls are still behind me. We make it outside I am lost, so I stumble around but my senses bring me to P. We decide to hit-up the beach. I talk to the Jamaican man at the 7-11, he say he down for some 187. PO! PO!. We hit the beach I take the blanket and use it all by myself, being the PRICK, that I learned in chick-pickler upers. P. tells some hillarious jokes, he's got mad game on the jokes. I try to snuggle with her, after putting some lines on her. I get nothing. Except the drunk ass girl who lost her boot strap his touching me pleasantly. Nothing.

I am trying to shoot out the street lights. Thanks to Obama, I can get this movenment happening. I am trying to figure out if that was a good trip or bad a trip

2008-10-31T16:34:00.000-07:00

Thank you Kathy, summed:

"I practice whenever I'm in the car, and

after a only few days I noticed a difference. I have no delusions of grandure, my only goal is to not hurt those around me when I try to sing. I just enjoy singing more now

that I know how to."

2008-10-31T10:29:00.000-07:00

FUCK POLLUTION
Yea right, if obama takes office. He will develop enviormentally energy effeiencnt way of life. He better mention light pollution, and visual pollution.

I am calling for guerrilla warfare on populous cities lights. Teen Charged with Shooting out street lights.

"Light pollution is by far the easiest any form of redemption." - National Geographic

UrbanSCreens.

Obama On Drugs pt.2

"How to Understand Why People Use Drugs"

This man upsets me. The answer is in the first 3 steps.

Understand that every drug user has his or her own motives and reasons for doing what they do. While some motives are common, there is no single explanation.
Consider the socially reinforcing nature of drug use. People use drugs socially because it's a shared activity and makes them part of a group.
Understand that some people use drugs such as LSD, Mescaline, Mushrooms, Salvia and so on for spiritual or intellectual reasons.
It's generally not a good thing to persecute someone else's spirituality.

i hate POLITICIANS, POLLUTANTS, and Poli-TICKS.

However, in all circumstances I am please with the progress America has done to repute its sins of slavery on which she was built upon. We are still waiting for her to remove the bonds of mental slavery. Whites and Blacks are all have been burdened with the history of a racism and inequality. For score, I have been alive to hear stories of my Grandfather in the Civil Rights Movement and possibly see an African American become the President of the Begging of a new world. Now I am ready for a real revolution. 50:50 right down the line human rights. Equal for both women and men. The revolution will not be televised, because the people will have to TV. There will be a bond of man, earth, and god.(love) There is no War. And you know it.

Wait and see who is the real revolutionary. One Love. Bob Marley, Mahatmas Ghandi. One World. One Culture.

Ted.com

2008-10-23T19:17:00.000-07:00

Lamictal allergic Reaction and flagrant fallacies.

I started off trileptal and took one Limictal and I developed this rash. My Doctor warned me 1 in 1,000 will develop a Life-threating rash. Well after looking online… other’s rash’ looked similar to mine. Others have also written, I developed a rash after a week or more… etc. My rash was spreading and so I went to the emergency room. It was a 4 ½ Hour wait. And doc said “because it isn’t in your lungs, or mouth its not deadly.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stevens-Johnson_syndrome

“I’ll cut your eye-lids off and keep feeding you sleeping pills” – Method man.

Ep. #4 J. wanted to move in together;

After meeting with my sponsers' other sponsee we hit it off, both 22 and play blues guitar. Tuesday night I walk out the door, my mom say's don't forget to get something to eat'.- I didnt listen... We got to the meeting, starting playing guitar, meeting other bipolar people. Hearing their stories. I take my pills without food. We hear the meeting. We leave. .5 mile away from dropping him off I start to get this new feeling, what I like to call

"Dosed."

My bodily functions lack of sugar, my vision is tunnel and arms, eyes heavily, thoughts slow. Speech is slow. This goes on for that mile stretch I cannot drive straight. I'm almost drunk. Heavy eye-lids. Slurred speech. Tunnel vision all around me. I pull over right away and dial my mom. Look by my neck slouches over and I see the big M. thank god for McDonalds. I walk up doors locked I look in. I look at my phone. It's 9:59. I softy project "I still have one minute" Blindly leading up to the unlocking of the door. Wouldn’t let me walk to the ALL-NIGHT drive through to get some food. (* At this point i would like to say, I am presenting a speech in my class about bipolar. and I want to release this astigmatism.*) As i am sitting there phone in hand. i AM arguing, I can't operate a vehicle. All they see a greasy hair mid-2o's junkie asking for trouble'

Lethargy

At this point the first thing that popped into my head was "I'm diabetic." My mom still on the phone hearing this ordeal. so said Claira the pretty, drive through girl, who kindly denied others my attempt to "Rob Them." This white woman came and argued "You cannot walk to the drive through, you must Drive a Vehicle!" I said look at me: I cannot talk. "Please can i just order something anything." "A saint in a blue and white dress, the lady comes back with medium orange juice. "I god bless her. Got in the car chugging the bottle like the antidote to aids was in-it.

Charging like a battery. I drive my car to the drive through window and get my meal, end of story. The 'dosed' feeling never fully cleared; But my Life was saved by a few special people.

At the end of this i told J. I after this tough week, trying to congnatize the fact that I am unstable-in-mania, changing meds, un-responsible, and neglective of my health a majority of the time I don’t think I can. My highschool friend izzy died this month from Depression. But I had a sponsor, p-doc, and a s-doc.

"you cant help someone till you help yourself." - Notorious L.I.Z.

I am grateful for witnessing the peace in turmoil.
Weather it be, at a light where a passenger in agony, a boy screams "MOTHER FUCKER" directed at me. Or in crisis.

I am grateful to give thanks in moments of clairty.
My mother and the joy that it gives Andy.

I am gggggg-Fg-unity. So thanks to my possey.
All my friends, family, and lovers ;)
|(perchlingenbach,noone,devonthompson,bonnie,chrisdavey

Playing T-Ball - someone who pees his pants and cries for his mommy as soon as he touched down in Saigon

Murked - to be Murdered

Merced- To get beaten to an inch your life

mince
-(v.) (perj.) To move or act in a way that implies homosexuality.

bro it up - hangout, get together

Caper - Older slang defining some sort of shady activity; usually illegal. shenanigans.

Joe the plummer - 1: a fictional person representing the whole of the people; mostly the lower to middle class.

Hyna - female, good-looking girl, women, a guy's lady

" that vato's hyna looks good"

Christian - A person who believes that Christ is their Savior. A person who believes that Jesus of Israel was/is the Son of God and was everything He claimed to be.

Kristen was a Christian and carried her Bible everywhere she went.

Love - nature's way of tricking people into reproducing

Weed - weed not a drug!

hey man why are you smoking weed lets drop acid and line up some coke
man replies: i dont do drugs man

T.P. – Teachers Pet – On the T.I.P.

2008-10-08T19:22:00.000-07:00

I am looking for a Pen Pal. Any advice on how to get one?

I've tried so far and no responds.

2008-10-07T21:12:00.000-07:00

What do we actually know about Mohammed?

Patricia Crone

The inside story

"The Qur'an does not give us an account of the prophet's life. On the contrary: it does not show us the prophet from the outside at all, but rather takes us inside his head, where God is speaking to him, telling him what to preach, how to react to people who poke fun at him, what to say to his supporters, and so on. We see the world through his eyes, and the allusive style makes it difficult to follow what is going on."

World Government - It is commonly argued, for instance, that governments are needed to hand down final and unquestioned decisions, lest people exist in a state of anarchy. Yet that same logic would tend to support the idea of world government.

"World Government of World Citizens" based on 3 "World Laws" — One God (or Absolute Value), One World, and One Humanity

opendemocracy.net

2008-10-07T07:58:00.000-07:00

Before you vote.

I was asked by my mom to help make calls for voters for Obama 08' and I might just do it later this week. However I want to make one last stride to find my favorite candidate. I took a poll last month and on the issues, I was for Hillary Clinton.

http://grid.ontheissues.org/Issue_Grid.htm

I am an honest alcoholic at the wise age of 21. And I say whether genetic predisposition, real addictions, and our role in society should not be enforced by the government. Dennis Kucinich on Drugs:

War on Drugs benefits only the prison-industrial complex. (Aug 2003)

Do not lower drinking age from 21 to 18

Q: Would you as president remove the requirement that a state have a legal drinking age of 21 in order to receive federal highway funds, thereby returning the drinking age back to the states?

- I personlly think we need a reconstruction of our society before any highway. Highway where? To K-Mart? Super WaLMart? Lets supply our basic necessity's of Life over yonder beyond the curvature of the earth. There is something wrong here... people are starving. Neighboors are segregated by GATES here in FL. There are still Ghettos. We have slaughtered our consciousness. Listen to the old and wise they will provide and it shall be revealed unto. "People care more for a holy book, than they do for a cow on a meat hook." -krs-one

OBAMA: No.
BIDEN: Absolutely no, I would not. The cost of alcoholism in America, the cost of accidents that flow from drunkenness, are astronomical.

WRONG WRONG WRONG. The cost of education about alcoholism. The $$$Cost of accidents that flow from drunkenness, are alcohol in your piss and - less h20 (which is why it turns clear). MORE TV Ad's. SUPERBOWL. Yea YOU HEARD it right. The politicians should wear suites like in NASCAR, patches/badges of their Lobbiests... the Big Bussiness that support avenues for their do's and don'ts. Dualitys of politians trying to please. When they should be. When be Would be. SHOULDA COULDA WOULDA WOODA WOODI WOADA

KUCINICH:

Addiction is a medical and moral problem. (Aug 2003)

Again

Obama doesn't see that drugs are not Crime.

The politics is crime. He is just playing into them. America is free but look at the prison system and look at the color of your skin. Your too old to understand this wisdom passed down from spirituality and religion, which of you lack. Not to mention your problem with smoking cigarettes (addiction), we already have heard your so called "faith" with your Church. You have to find god yourself. You have to find one God. Your god. One Love. Bob Marley PRAYED that everyone would live together and free. YOU want to really understand why youth use drugs? You will never understand that. In 4 years as president. As God for Eternalness. It is just consciousness and if you would sit down with some pot heads you would understand. You Did, when you were high. You Let it be. DRUGS ARE THERE, TO BE. Its not a puzzle, its not a fucking Math equation. Life is not an equation. The more you give, the more you get. Those people you smoked with are not wrong and neither were you/are you. Everything is supposed to be as it is. You wont let it. If you can't answer where life starts. Or your own opinion. If you can't honestly have your own opinion, faith in yourself. If so, I don't want you for president.

(bama)Understand why youngsters want to use drugs

"Junkie. That's where I'd been headed: the final, fatal role of the young would-be black man. Except the highs hadn't been about me trying to prove what a down brother I was. Not by then, anyway. I got high for just the opposite effect, something that could push questions of who I was out of my mind, something that could flatten out the landscape of my heart, blur the edges of my memory. I had discovered that it didn't make any difference whether you smoked reefer in the white classmate's sparkling new van, or in the dorm room of some brother you'd met down at the gym, or on the beach with a couple of Hawaiian kids who had dropped out of school and now spent most of their time looking for an excuse to brawl. You might just be bored, or alone. Everybody was welcome into the club of disaffection. And if the high didn't solve whatever it was that was getting you down, it could at least help you laugh at the world's ongoing folly and see through all the hypocrisy and bullshit and cheap moralism." -bama

"Give me Liberty, or give me Death!" - Patrick Henry 1775 Richmond Va. House of Burgesses. Swung votes for Virginia to enter Revolutionary War. George Washington and Thomas Jefferson were present. After speech everyone cheered "To arms, To arms!"

- I think I have found liberty. Like I may have already written. "With liberty comes great responsibility." - Gdad

I am getting to become in balance with Life = Time

2008-10-05T22:42:00.000-07:00

I'm not fat

Having trouble with anything? Can't think of it. Take a minute. Use your mind.

We only use 1% of 99% of our brains.

JUST DROP IT. Come back to it in a few minutes or so, distract yourself come back. It will be there. I promise.

F. Just do it. Just Drop it.

2008-10-05T21:58:00.000-07:00

I apologize post-haste in ceteris-paribus for my Language.

Yes and so I am going to help with calling at my school for Democratic canditate Barack obama.
I couldn't help but notice lots of music videos for him, speech's website for instance, and only one
for McCain. All in all, Barack has 1,000,000 more links for his name on a google search.

Some doll, from late 90's gay backstreat boy's cowboy from the south park movie. Don't get me wrong I like country music. Heck, a Country boy will survive. But what the fuck is a 'Maverick"

maverick n. An unbranded range animal, especially a calf that has become separated from its mother, traditionally considered the property of the...

I went to Nashville Tennessee and went to the school of rock. Over my dead body if anyone was singin go McFake.

I hate people that are ignorant. These drunk old fag hags over the hill pre-dead Disposal Human waste; Get my point here is that we have to let our children decide. The youth. It is the youth's turn. AND FUCK YOU.

POLITICS AND GOD ARE NOT EQUAL = KRS-1 ONE THE TEACHA BLAST MASTER B.D.P. PEACE AND UNITY

RELIGION IS THEOCRACY. GET IT?

p.s.
(if you think otherwise)

2008-09-21T15:42:00.000-07:00

Last night was pretty freaky... in a eerie way. It started like any normal night until I had a manic attack. When I got home I didn't take my pills till late and didn't eat till later. The label reads *Warning:* Take with food.

So this is how it happened, I started having

(1) racing thoughts

that I should get online and start organizing photos on my moms CPU and then my mom Pops outta the bedroom and says "Get to bed" or something. She came out so fast it woulda scared me if I hadn't been so emmersed in arranging. I then started talking to myself about this> "Maybe if i stay in the moment ill never be scared or caught off-gaurd."

(2) Paranoia

Then I decide its time to go to sleep. On my way to the bedroom I see a car pull into the nieghboors carport real fast and kids hop out. The red lights red glare the bombs bursting in the air sent me into a transe of negative thought (racing thought). Maybe there after me. Then a lot of kids start showing up to the house right across the street from my bedroom. I keep peering outside as highschoolers at night start chattering running around rambuncious with the lights peering at my room now. 90% of my thoughts were telling me "they're talking about me." Then the other 10% optomistic said, 'maybe i should go outside." To "hang" or "walk by unsuspisiouly. I wrote this down. "They were gonna shoot." (empty stomach).

Bipolar is emo insane.

Yougurt rests my stomach, more importantly my mind. I start to drift off. Thinking about the laundry or something borring then, an A.A. meeting. Some lady ends what she has to say and a country accented 50 year old man starts saying, to stay sober it is all "WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO"x2 I don't blink I am feared for my life I know what had just happend, I sprung up in bed with a cold sweat on my forehead.

<<>

Its as if all my inner dialouge speeds up 167mpb and doubles or triples, while at the same time rushes in a stream from the back of my head to front. and out my face.

The clock read 12:01am and immediately I called my psychologist. He told me to take another Seroquel. I tell my mom the next day and she asked if I should have called him and there was no doubt in my mind.

In addition to what else I wrote that night: "A.A. meetings I try to oversimplify things. I need to prepare for work: "Be the change you see in the world"

2008-09-10T10:41:00.001-07:00

I am celebrating 69 posts. And inebriating 9 months of sobriety.

I am going to start on my 4th step (F.E.A.R.less personal inventory)

this is hard... because before I had been riding my pink cloud and everything was spectacular. Yet, when I start looking at myself deep, every little thing starts to attack me, my faith. Hence I get annoyed so easily. I had started gong back down the steps. 4-3-2-1 and Now i have to go back up them once again and continue!

Job hunt
Therapist hunt
I really want to write a song/ learn some songs to play out
continue 90-90

&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;a href="http://www.7is7.com/otto/countdown.html?year=2008&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;month=11&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;date=30&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;hrs=0&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;ts=24&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;min=0&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;sec=0&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;tz=local&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lang=en&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;show=MWdh&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;mode=t&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;cdir=down&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;bgcolor=%23CCFFFF&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;fgcolor=%23000000&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;title=Countdown%20to%20my%2090-90"&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;Countdown to my 90-90&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/a&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;

I took my dog out w/ me on my run and on our way home the sky lit up like some kind of super bright fireworks, I turn my head towards the moon and I see This coiled lightning, yellow, and relative size to the moon; It was angled right at the moon. Lasted only for a brief second. I got home and had a dream about a kid and me in my neighborhood gathering supplies for extra-terrestrial life/ interplanetary travel. In short, I am still a little moonstruck.

- Then I hop on google. And there is the world's largest and highest-energy particle accelerator. Wrapped around the google sign. Aparently Large Hadron Collider "Actually Worked"

Poli*tics (blood-sucking tics')

I am peeved at this election. Not only are the kids living in florida and elsewhere hopeless as they feel generally in any election.

"My Vote Won't Count"

But it will. And it's pretty easy to see that online polls/blogs show the backasswardhillbillie-buttkiss approach of the Republicants. So it is really about my generation and my future baby's baby's Mommas future. The white small town voters who cannot relate to a half-white/black man are ignorrant. Sure they grew up in segregation but fairly none of them had the balls to see prejudice or look for rights and reality their daddy's did. This insanity must stop and will stop when they pass away. 1

My future bob-marley lovers will see this, and prevent this. Its like going for a checkup at the dentist - KRS-one. The world has our back and we give it back. We all have our own opinions, conservitave liberal, but we can tell an idiot from a donkey. If sanity is what we need, don't ask me. I'm not out for looks, so don't cry. This 4 years is going to be MINE. 2

2008-08-31T14:25:00.000-07:00

its at times like these I feel like "thats okay."
Im on the west coast Fl, sanibel Island. looking at the ocean and starring at the stars, the palm trees, and the hurricane passin me by. Got to catch some body surfing. It feels good. I have started reading

College algebreathing
Health Concepts

everything is all good. My mom got upset with me and the ripcurrent but I told her she has too long suffered with this problem of fear. Now, I un muderstand I dont understand what it is like for her. So I pray for her daily and try to accept my missadventures. But I reflect on my blessings and everything is alright.

Everything is Everything.
Acceptance Understanding Peace.

I am greatful for my dog Bob who misses me dearly.
I am greatful dead for my backwards god
I am thankful for beautiful insights into reality and Godliness
I am thankful for my bands success
I gratefull for my beautiful girlfriend
I truely greatful for my own love.

Body
Soul
Mind
Heart

I love i and i because i will never loose love.

I have to exercise. Gender Facts: Men are Apples. Women are Pears.
I have to shut this up and read. Because people who strive. Like "the good die young" Or the old people who look like they havn't aged a day. Its all about that positive mentality. and Wellness.
achieving Self-Awareness. With liberty comes great Freedom.

Sublime: Surpassing exellence, Everest of achievement, where great thoughts, noble feeling, lofty figures (i.e. figurative language), diction and arrangement all coincided. (the5 sources by Longinus) Some artists were susceptible to intimations of the boundless and infinite nature of what is... Sublime.

Beauty is happy, small, and finite. Sublime is darkness, expansive, and infinite.

----------------
Now playing: DJ PA - Track 07
via FoxyTunes
GodggoogogogogggogglgegoDDg

2008-08-28T13:33:00.000-07:00

my name pete, me llamo Bipolar 21 and alcoholic.

I am working on a 90-90. So we'll see how that goes.

Heres how my regular day goes by:

9am pills. 83-87 in the big book. Pray, and Acceptance and/or 7am AA meeting/Beach
Lunch class or Lunch music/education. Drink water and/or meeting
Jam with friends /A.A. Meeting if I havn't already
Sometimes a group eat out with ciggarette and laugh.
9pm pills

I saw a shark at the beach today swam right next to me. Stupid lifeguard said he wasn't goin to call it in because I was chasing the school of fish two- to three blocks down the beach. Said "it might have been a baracuda." Pff!! Like i can't tell a shark from a fish. But then i read the fine print: Green Flags- 'swim safely at your own caution."

"When you find your love, hold on."
but when life moves on... im back to.
"Come to my love.... Come closeR TO MY LOVE!"
I want to be a lover and thats i can. but i cant get the tuttellege i want right now.

Maybe im feeling free and fun thats cool isnt it?

At lease I got friends, family, my di**, guitar.

Shout out to solomon! Ty I have great friends as well as parents in my corner!

I didnt want it to come to this but,

"You've got to move on".
i foresee a day when I run naked into the future. and that I meet and greet.

raga agra raga doooo

College algeb
Health Concept
English Composition
Speech Communications

One love

AA Adult Alliance April Atom August Bar Becuase Bigup Breathe CHAMPION ChuckBrown Como Crashing Crisis Cristina D.C DIE DeepChill Democratic Dont EVERERYHIGY Epic Fairfax Find Florida Friday Goals Google Groomesmen Group Harare Harding Hotline Hypersexuality Info Internet Jah Jesus Judging Labels Links Living Loading Lost Luckily March Matt Mike Miller Morgan Movement Mugabe Nations Older PM PMS POLLITICALLY Pathologist Pd Positively Positve Posted Posts President Problem Problems Read Remember Robert Saturday Seaneen Sing Sit Slovenija Stage Station Subscribe Support TAKES TV Tara's Temple Thursday Tonight Tryleptal Tsvangirai Tuesday U.K U.S U.S.A United View Virginia Waves Wednesday Women Woops Yea Young Zimbabwe's a.a abstract .abstract alcohol. abuse accurate accused acid act addiction adrenaline ads airplanes alcohol alcoholic allen alternative amazing america amiri amps andile angry anti-social anxiety anywase ap.google.com arduous army arrows art article asleep ass assholes audible awakening awoke band baraka barely bed began behavior big bipolar .bipolar alcoholic. .bipolar episode. birds bittorrent blabbered bless blues blurb bob body bottom boycott boyscout break breathing breaths briefly bring brother brushing bush bussiness butt butter calendar call called calls carrerr cells change chat chating check chicks children chill chills choose clamp class climate clinking clip close closest comfortably coming comments complete completed concert conclusion conference constant contact continued control conversation cool correct country covered crawling crazy crummy crying cycles da date dave day deal dealing declare decline deep delay depressed depressing depression depressive derr describing detail diagnosed digress diplomats disease dj doctors dog dogs door draw drawing dream dreams dress dressed dressing drilled drugs dub due earth easy eat eccentric eccentricity education effets election elephant emergency emotions enable engagement english episode episodes evening events everyday excersice exercise experiemental experiences eyelids f. fabrication faces faith falling family fat favor fear feel feeling felt fight film fled folk food foot football force forces forgot format free freestyle fresh friend friends fruit fun funk funny game garage gave genius gfunk give glasses go-go goal god gods gonna good goodguys goodstuff goose grandiosity great greater grip gross guerrilla guitar guns hallucinations hands happened happening happiness happy harmonize harmony hate head headstrong healing hear heat heavy helped high hip-hop .hip-hop mix. holds horrible hot hours http hug humor hurts idea idiom idiot immensely important improvement improving incessant independent indie information injustice insane insecure insecurity inspiration instance instrumental instution interact interests international introduction introspection invoked involved irritated iss issues jack jackets jam jazz jobless johnson jones judge judgmental jumbled kicking kid kiss kit knocked knowledge kt la .la vida. leader learn leaves lets letters licking life .life force. lightened lily lines lips listen listening live local locked loco looked lot loud love lyricks lyrics maintain man mania manic mass media medication medicine meditation meet meetings meloady members membrane mental midst mind minute minutes missed mix mixed .mixed episode. mom moment morning mother mounting mouth movie movies mp3 music names national nature neal negative new news night non-judgmental normal norms nose nostrals nu-folk occasionally occur opera opposition otter outshide overcome overhead overwhelming paddedd pancakes pants paranoia part party pass-out patients pattern peace people percent perfection period permanantly person personal personally. pete phase pictures pills pink .pink elephant. pissed planning played pleasures poem poet poetry point politics population positive positivity .positve pd. possibly post-rock pounds power practice practiced practicing prank pray prayed prd preferred preparing prescirbed presidential processed producing production profile progess progress projects psycho psychs punk purpose put putting quit racing .racing thoughts. racism radio rap ray re-Release reality reason reasons recall recalled recess recntly recovering recovery reference reflection reggae rejuvenating relationship relax relay religion reluctant reminds remix reporting represent resperdal responcibility responsibility restful revenue revolution rhymes rider rock ruled running runof runoff rush safe saftey saraquill scary school security sense sequence serius seroquel share shaved shit shook short shouldnt show sick side simply singer sings sister situations sizzle skills skin skull sky sleep slightly slowly small smell smoke sobriety society socks somebodys songfight.org songs soul sound space spent spirit spirits spiritual .spiritual progress. spirituality star starshine started stay stomach stopped story straight strength stress stress-relief stuck study study.htm stupid sublime success suicide summer sun supply suppose surf surfing survey susceptible teacher teachers technique teeth ten tennessee terms thankfulness therapist thinking thought thoughts threatening time times today told tought trees trhough trips trouble true tunstall turned twenty u2 unfair unique universe unreasonable va vacation vida video violence violent visible visited vividly vocabulary voice voting waking walks walmart war ward washing watch watching watching. ways weapon weed week weekends whipass whoop word words work workshops world woukd http://www.blogger.com/ yesterday yoga youth zimbabwe

2008-08-21T18:49:00.000-07:00

I forgot what i was gonna say this will be a blurb in thought processed format, well lets see.. I found out recently or have to come to the conclusion i am god. Dont see me as a Pathologist. Whatever that is but now i see myself being diagnosed by my mother (closest to me) as depressed or manic... due to stress anxiety, and situations...

WHAT am i having PMS??? WHat is this. I felt like crying at one point. I just had to get out of my own skin for a while i suppose... anywase...

God bless. Love Jah. Bigup YOURSELF. You are a CHAMPION. You one of gods children. You are Jesus. Woops derr it iss.. Como va la vida? !!~~~Living la vida loco~~!!!

2008-08-09T22:00:00.000-07:00

Spent the summer in Fairfax:

Tonight saw some crummy sublime band and goodguys after a football game date with a man da thing was,... i shouldnt have been such an idiot and maybe got a kiss.

many things happened... Spiritual yoga, Go-go show and shook hands with ChuckBrown, national guitar workshops, pissed off the local opera singer, helped my little sister. Lost 20 pounds.

I turned 21.

My brother had his engagement party and i am One of the Groomesmen! The party was a lot of fun, i barely got to meet any of Tara's family, but when I blabbered on about my music carrerr to Mike Miller ( Best man) He told me "Who's movie are you watching." He kept saying it.... and it is one of those things that reminds you how small or big the world can be. I looked around at all my family members and think of the ways we'd interact. He kept on "Who's movie are you watching." I really want to make spiritual progress "not perfection" But this amps me up/psychs/head trips...

Living in Virginia the summer was hot But the Sun is so rejuvenating! Unlike Florida where the constant heat is overwhelming at times.

Goals: Sing and Read. Sobriety.

2008-04-30T19:40:00.000-07:00

my voice teacher said stay away from the...

The idiom is also occasionally invoked as a "pink elephant", possibly in reference to alcohol abuse, or for no other reason than that a pink elephant would be more visible than a normal elephant.

I am falling asleep with this seroquel that i just started taking. 50mgs... and it makes my eyelids heavy and pass-out. It's great. I have deep dream cycles. Stage 5 i believe. Last night i had a dream that i was breathing through my nose and it was really loud and people were like " Breathe trhough your mouth!" this is probably from class, a kid has very loud nostrals behind me.

I have been chating on bipolar chat

2008-04-29T19:29:00.000-07:00

I am in the midst of getting a therapist and recovering.

- My goal should be Get involved in A.A. work out my own story so I can share at meetings.

2008-04-15T18:55:00.000-07:00

She said she'd see me.
LOve it is a meloady, hands and faces, earth and sky. LOVE IT TAKES UP EVERERYHIGY... HOW YOU LIVE AND... HOW YOU DIE. Nothing in the world will ever be The Same. :)

*abstract* My Emotions are Waves Crashing over reality. I am surfing past their grip to maintain control. It hurts to feel insane. Insane in the membrane.

*abstract*

PILLs: I am on saraquill(just quit resperdal yesterday) & Tryleptal. I just started saraquill last night. It knocked me out within the hot minute and gave me a restful sleep. So today I felt much better. Yea its true, I feel good. But slightly. Becuase it was just yesterday I was having a MIXED EPISODE.

the mixed episode was scary. I was depressed and happy at the same time. or on and off briefly. It was shit my pants scary. I just felt so depressed but then I would act manic and have racing thoughts. So my racing thoughts woukd be depressing thoughts (negative thoughts) and this incessant pattern was drilled into my skull. Luckily I was at my doctors and he prescirbed me new medicine.

My Problem: I have been anti-social recntly due to my medication and re-Release into the world from the "mental ward" What is POLLITICALLY CORRECT?

because its not a Mental instution which holds patients permanantly. So what?! Women are locked up in paddedd cells with straight jackets. People are stuck watching a TV for 6-7 hours with only 2 30-minute recess outshide. I digress...

After being let back into "society" I have had to deal with norms. Why cant I shaved my head with arrows in it and go to work? Why cant I have friends? Why cant I keep a relationship with anyone? My mom has been the only one to have contact with me besides people at work. I don't go out on the weekends. I don't exercise. I am close to my mom, but when I am manic and depressive I want nothing to do with her. I get anxiety whenever she walks through the door. And I cannot control it. She says "I've gotten better at not taking it personally."
My mother has helped me immensely. She has told me I was judgmental and after some introspection I have found myself in the act of Judging. Since then I have visited people at A.A. Meetings, or at school and I have practiced non-judgmental skills. I just look at the person, listen, and say don't judge this person. It's very great. Easy way to stay Correct, Positively headstrong, and One with being.