Ep. #10

I started out the day ready to go to class when I was preparing to turn in my paper at the writing lab my classmate and friend told me about a concert he had tickets to. I convinced him to go and on the way down he was introducing me to the band we were about to see Minus the Bear, a rock band from Seattle.

And I saw me playing as the Minus the Bear band. I was each band member. They all synchronized in their idiosyncratic dancing w/ guitar. It seemed like everyone was standing still like zombies. I dont' know. But the experience was... well... a Revelation if not 'Revolution' in some sort. Because I am a troubled addict.



The first joint we split on the way to the concert left me feeling relaxed. Although I told Pete I was bipolar, Pete related with me and told me about his friend who when smoked weed, had an episode and kidnapped a girl. Although I have recently succumbed to my addiction to drugs and on top of that I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I understand Transactional Communication (TC) involves everyone sending and receiving. This is very true to the concert we went to, called "Revolution" in Ft. Lauderdale. The crowd communicates with the crowd and then there is the band and crowd. That Monday night, at the concert, they were all communicating with me.

In the begging of the night me and my friend Pete, who was a musician. Likewise we both had a lot of music technicality, musicality and things to say. We were on the balcony trying to yell down to the other musicians. As the show went on we noticed some musicianship that we hadn't need discuss. As from the amount of time we have spent playing music together, we subconsciously new what was happening, and that we were both having a good time. Eventually the main act came on and so we both shared a joint.

Being bipolar, the grass made me a little introspective and manic. A few things were on my mind, 1) watching a good show, 2) finding some girls, and 3) having a good time. I made my way down stage level, stage left, where there were the most girls populated and stood to enjoy the show. As my mind drifted in and out of control there was one thing that didn't stop, the Simultaneous communication. To explain what goes on inside my brain are first the symptoms of pot; elated, relaxed, grandiose, and introspective thoughts. Secondly, the manic forms which bring about irritability, distraction, short-term memory loss, and paranoia. I was feeling the groove, talking with myself, others, and the band, who all looked like me.

There is no doubt that smoking makes me hallucinate and even worse, psychosis. This rock band were different ages of me, if I had been performing and saw myself in the 3rd person. It was a trip to watch, to say the least, because each musician would move back and forth, dancing melodically and idiosyncratically with one another.


This concert was a stand around kind of thing. People just stood like zombies. The lyrics changed from happy and if i tried to think happier it got really elated climaxing in a big Drum solo with strobe flashing behind the drummer. I can't turn to see anyone's face. The whole crowd is equally spaced as I look on from a-far. Either I saw a persons face and it was my friend, or I looked and they turned or I heard chatter about me, Paranoia. This wasn't good when I focused back to the music, they would be playing the bridge to some line about, Negative or pessimistic worrisome lyrics. Some would call these lyrics emotional. Picture these words sung to you with some strange green light: And its almost split the side of my brain if I focus too much on the people, music, where I should be, I get stiff.

Partly amazed, in a daze, hallucinating, inter-rumbling (subconscious tightening of suboccipital muscles causing a crepitus in the atlanto-occipital cartilage or simple awareness of a bruit in the artery).

The two sided dialogue kept me in trance. Almost mixed-mania type schizo-effective. I can only focus on only one thing at a time. The movements white/rock dancing- or quickly I soon am run over by the melodic bass-line. I close my eyes to feel the music scale my toes to my cerebellum. Then all of a sudden a bright light always transient but I mean strobe-light. Bright flat in-front of my face. No doubt these were sources of external noise and internal.

All I remember is blacking out partially throughout the night and unconsciously sneaking into the theater seating balcony. After being kicked out I then found some friends and we left and all the way throughout the crowd I had to force my way through. It was almost as if the zombies wanted to make me late for something. This noise, "loud people in crowded places" is one exact term I read from your TC essay. The noise inner and outer led me to have a hell of a night.

Now I can sense my balls and then make a decision to move froward. Whats needed to be noted is here- I have embellished a personality quiet, studious, spiritual, calm. This gets me blue balls. No I get hyper sexuality. And curiosity, so I am split. It seems I could talk to myself on this high and I was cynical, or skeptical, fearful, or arrogant, or unpleasant, and sometimes peaceful. Thinking back egotistical? of coarse. But see this: When I am high, I can bad trip or good trip, or both in a hole of one. However, everyone feels the need to feel. To sparkle, to find some purpose they lack. Girls and I are fond of one another, but my petty problems get in the way. After taking Speech Comm. I learned to burn my fears "up in smoke." I think this has helped me a lot